Forgotten Memories
by obsessivelyfanaticgw09
Summary: We've all heard so many times about what happened to Benjamin and his family before he was Sweeney Todd. But where does Mrs. Lovett fit in those 15 years? What happened that she doesn't want to remember? What about her family? REWRITE!
1. CH1 News

**Ok, so here it is.**

**For you who had begun to read the other Forgotten Memories, this is obviously it's rewrite. **

**Did my best, I know it's a little bumpy in some places still, but I constructed it so that the events start happening 2 chapters in instead of 6. **

Chapter one- News

I had spent all night in the rain.

Don't ask me why, it just seemed right.

Of course, when I left the house, it wasn't raining. It had stopped and the air was fresh and smelling clean and new. I didn't know when I set out that I would get lost and not be able to find my way back through the London streets until early the next morning. I didn't know that I would return cold and wet, with tears streaming down my cheeks and my favorite dress soaked and clinging to my shivering body. I didn't know that it would practically make me sick, and make any venture out of the house for the next few days dreadful.

I had left the shop that night thinking a walk would get my mind off of things, not make things worse.

Albert died. It was sudden, well not really. I could of told you he had it coming to him for the whole time we'd been married, almost a year and a half. But to everyone else, it was sudden and horrible. When I sit back and think about it, to me, it just wasn't.

I mean, of course I was upset, and scared. But it wasn't because the man who I was suppose to be so deeply in love with was gone, but it was because now I found myself so… alone.

My husband… is gone.

I'm a widow.

The word made me shudder.

_Widow_

Eleanor Lovett-Widow-No children…My new title.

Benjamin often tries to comfort me, now figuring that I'm so lonely with my husband gone. He doesn't understand, no one does or ever will, that I'm no more lonely now then I was before. He offers me to come upstairs to have tea with him, his wife Lucy, and their child, only a bit over a year, Johanna. And the way he looks at me when he says "I do often worry about you now being down here all alone…" And offers to take me on a walk, it can't be mistaken.

He cares about me. I see it in his eyes. I never thought he would, but I now know he must. From the day he first walked in the shop and asked about the room above, and I caught his eyes and completely forgot about the man who would soon be home from work and besides me, to everyone else helping complete the picture of a happy couple, I never thought he'd even think about me. It took a tragedy for him to come through for me.

Mr. Barker doesn't know how much that means to me. He doesn't know how often I sway over him when I see him standing in the large window upstairs. He doesn't know the longing that I feel, especially now, at night time, in a big bed in a pitch black room, so cold and lonely. Nor does he know how much I dream about him, awake or asleep. I wish he could look at me like he looked at _her_.

I try not to hate Lucy, I really do. She's kind and caring. She's loving and lovely. Perhaps too lovely. It's hard to befriend someone who is everything I long to be and more. I long to be held in Mr. Barkers arms, I long to feel his lips brush against mine. I'd kill to have for one day what she has every moment.

Of course, it's all even more impossible now, than it was then.

I wish I could have told him. I wish I could have told him how much he meant to me. How much I really cared for him. I wish I could have told him before Lucy came rushing in my shop that day.

I had watched them leave that morning. Lucy, looking just a beautiful as always, Mr. Barker strolling next to her. He had announced that they were going to the market and offered for me to come with. But me not feeling well, I had said no. I now regret that. Isn't life _great_ in that way; Always so filled with regret?

My head was pounding and my stomach ached, but being the person I am, one that wouldn't be caught dead laying in bed all day, no matter what, I had gotten up and reluctantly started the day.

I was there, in my shop, once again struggling to find the secret to making good pies; Trying to find the reason that the shop down the street, Mrs. Mooney's, had such success while mine just fell more into the pit each day.

I was lost in a dream that I had almost subconsciously floated into. Once again about Mr. Barker. Some of the day dreams were foolish, him bursting through the door, wrapping me in a hug, and dipping me into a tender kiss; others more realistic, slowly realizing his feelings and eventually coming through; most, all too realist usually ending somehow in a blunt "Nellie, you're great but Lucy is so much better," comment from the Mr. Barker in my dream. Even when I know I'm dreaming, my mind can't help but let real life seep in.

When there was a knock at my door, I came out of the place I had drifted into and looked up for the first time that day. The sun was bright the way it streamed in, it burned my eyes and I had to squint.

Making my way to the door, I was able to see who was on the other side, a rather anxious looking Lucy, hugging the baby to her chest. Confused, I let them both in. Lucy ran in and there was silence in the room except for her heavy breathing for several seconds. She suddenly swiftly turned around and peeked out of the window in the shop. Sighing, she mumbled, "Good, he hasn't followed us,"

She kissed Johanna on the head and turned around to me. She gasped as she came face to face with me, as if unaware that I was even in the shop. I looked at her in the eyes, hers big and wide (with… fear?) and mine narrowed and confused.

I looked her over. Her long, yellow hair had fallen out of her bonnet, in fact, her bonnet was completely gone. The top of her forehead was moist with sweat, like she had been running. She looked rather disturbed herself, her eyes wide and wet, and her face pale and overall holding a sense of panic.

Johanna was wrapped in her arms, a little to tight by the looks of it.

"Mrs. Barker?" I asked slowly, wondering if she was every going to tell me why she had burst in. "Wot's happened?"

Her eyes teared up, some fell down her cheek. She closed her eyes and shook her head. "Oh! Mrs. Lovett!" She sobbed.

"Shh, deary," I shushed her as I guided her and the child over to sit down in the booth that occupied a corner of the shop. We sat down together.

"Lucy! Lucy! Deep breaths, come on love. 'ere, give me the child," She handed Johanna over to me, who was being calmer then her mum.

"Now, wot 'appened?" I asked. "Wot 'appened that got you so flustered?"

She sobbed. "We were at the market! They took him! They took him away! Took him right out from under me!"

"Took who away deary?"

Silence again hung in the room. Lucy just sat across from me as if waiting for me to answer my own question. Suddenly it hit me, "Mr. Barker?"

Took him? Away? He's gone?

"Who? Who took 'im away?" I asked, beginning to become frantic myself.

"The judge! His people. His police. Him! He did!"

The judge? Judge Turpin? What did he have to do with all of this?

"Why?" I asked. It took a few seconds for her to answer. She took a few more breaths and looked out the window, as if something out there held the answer.

"That's just it, Mrs. Lovett. I don't know! He's never done anything against the law, unless of course, I didn't know about it."

Against the law? Benjamin would never do anything like that, I knew him all too well. Always paid rent on time. Practically fixed any problems he had. He even chased after a young men who had tried to steal something from me once. He would never do anything against the law.

Lucy took in a few more bumpy breaths. "After I watched them drag him off, Judge Turpin came up to me," She winced when she said his name. "He told me that if I wanted answers that I should go to his house this afternoon. But I don't want to. He makes me feel… uneasy," I didn't blame her. Judge Turpin made every woman not interested in him uneasy. "What shall I do?" Lucy asked, her eyes looking into mine, searching desperately for an answer.

Truth is I wasn't so straight minded about any of this either. The sentences floating around the room after Lucy had said them didn't seem to reach all the way to the center of my thinking. They went in my ear, I heard them, but the words didn't sink. I somehow managed to choke out a slight answer for the anxious women.

"Well, I guess you'll 'ave to go speak to him. Figure this all out. Get Mr. Barker back." I recommended, partly mono-tone, hardly thinking about when I was really advising.

She nodded her head firmly.

"Then that's what I'll do!" She stood up. I didn't look up at her now towering over me. "Thank you Mrs. Lovett." She smiled at me and took the baby out of my arms. Turning back, she said, "Would you take care of Johanna while I'm out?" I nodded.

"Course, love" I said blankly, too wrapped up in my own thoughts to barely care about what she was doing or where she was going.

"Thank you. I'll make sure to give you a nice penny for your thoughtfulness." I nodded again. She kissed Johanna on the forehead and gave the baby back to me.

"I'll be right back, deary." She said to the child in my arms. She thanked me again and left me barely knowing what had happened. All I seemed to filter was the fact that Benjamin was gone, and in the back of my mind, somehow, I knew it was for good.

**So there you go, next chapter will be up soon, and it hopefully won't be so repetitive for the people who read FM before the rewrite. **


	2. CH2 Poor Thing

**Chapter 2-Poor thing**

Lucy had come back that night crying. She had barely told me anything as she took the child from me and walked back upstairs.

She had said, "The judge, he sent him (Him being Mr. Barker, of course) away. They charged him with…" I don't remember something foolish. Or perhaps it was foolishness that he was charged for… "So, they sent him away, like he was some awful murderer or criminal." She had finished, then excused herself and ran upstairs before the night was out.

And so it was confirmed- Mr. Barker was gone.

The words seem to flow together all too well. Frighteningly well. He's gone. Like dead. He'll be in prison for whatever bloody thing he did for the rest of his life. And I'll be without him for the rest of mine.

The night before, wondering around in the rain, I didn't think I could of ever felt any lonelier, yet here I was, feeling so hollow and empty that I really had no reason to live for; none at all.

My husband and the man I loved, gone; in a matter of a few days. It didn't seem fair.

I remembered then, the soft glow of Mr. Barkers face as he came to my shop door that morning to ask if I would like to join the family on a trip to the market. I could still feel the bright morning sun burning my eyes. And I could still remember the self-consciousness that had washed over me as I realized that I hadn't really gotten ready for the day, outside of dressing; I just hadn't been feeling well enough. I had politely rejected him and he walked away. I wish now I had watched him go, watched the three of them fade in the crowd down the street. Savored every single one of the last frames of memory I would hold of Mr. Barker.

Perhaps if I had gone with them, it could have all been stopped. Perhaps then, it's my fault he's gone…

Right before I went to blow out the last candle alit in my room, I wondered if anyone would miss me if I didn't wake up in the morning. Would anyone come looking for me if I didn't get out of bed?

* * *

When I woke up the next morning it was dark. It was morning, but clouds darkened the sky and it was gloomy, dreary, and lonely in my room. As I sat up in bed, the only sound I heard was the soft patter of the rain on the windows. I didn't want to get out of bed. Not only that, but I still felt absolutely terrible.

Why did today have to come?

I had eventually fallen back asleep, so the day seemed to pass by very quickly. When I actually got up so I could eat something, the sun was setting. At least it was from what I could tell behind the clouds.

I stepped out into the pie shop, feeling a little better than I had felt when I woke up the first time. Perhaps I just needed to catch up on my sleep.

I reluctantly ate a few of my own dreadful pies. I had sworn I would never eat them myself unless there was nothing else. But since I didn't feel like going to the market to get myself something to eat, here I am, forcing them down my throat.

_Ugh, like this is going to help me feel any better. _

The sun set, something that you could hardly tell because the day was already so dark. Suddenly there was a rapping at my door. My head fell on the wall behind me in the booth I was sitting in. "Well, I wonder who in the world _that _could be," I muttered to myself making my way to the door.

I opened the door to find a rather flustered looking Lucy. "Mrs. Lovett!" She exclaimed and then shoved a bundled up pile of blankets into my arms. "Will you please watch Johanna for me?"

_Well, I don't really have a say now that you've already shoved her into my tiered arms now do I? _

I just nodded. "Thank you. I've been… called away. I'll be back before its too late. Just put her to sleep, she'll be fine." She spoke fast and uncertainly. She glanced behind her. I caught a glimpse of the stout man waiting behind her; the judge's beadle. Lucy herself was all dressed up in her finest bit of cloths. I couldn't help but pull together my eye brows as I wondered what exactly was happening.

"Thank you ma'am" She thanked, and then scurried away, the beadle holding her wrist in a tight grip.

I took the blanket off of the face of the beautiful half asleep child. "You again," I told her. "You look tired my love. Come here, I'll rock you to sleep,"

I brought her to the rocking chair and softly hummed as I rocked the child back and forth.

I soon felt a tear running down my cheek. I glanced down at the now sleeping child, so peaceful, beautiful, and wonderful.

I glanced back down at the sleeping baby. The sweet bundle with the rosy red cheeks was sleeping peacefully with her thumb in her mouth. I couldn't help but smile at the picture. I felt happy briefly as I looked down at the child in my arms.

And Lucy, she will get this every night. She'll get to rock this child to sleep, and look into those eyes and see her husband even though he's gone. She'll get to watch her grow and learn and everyday she'll get to look at the child and see Benjamin.

And what did I have while Lucy had all of this? An empty house, an empty business, and an empty life.

* * *

Lucy came home again that night crying, something that I think I was to becoming used to. She seemed horrified, but she didn't want to talk. All she did was take the baby and walk upstairs. Which was ok with me, I was exhausted even though I had slept half the day.

Since Benjamin had been gone it seems like I'm seeing more and more of her.

She came back in the morning though. And me feeling better, I had gone to the shop early and started to make pies for the customers that will never come.

Cradling the baby in her arms she came to me. "Mrs. Lovett." She said slowly. "Can I speak with you about what happened last night?"

She wanted comfort.

I nodded, avoiding direct eye contact. She sat down in the pie shop booth and told me why she had been called away last night. The judge had called her to his house claiming that he was very contrite about what had happened to Mr. Barker.

_And you foolishly fell for it. _I couldn't help but think to myself.

"I don't remember a lot of the visit." She said, her voice cracking a little. "I remember masks and people dancing and laughing and…" She stopped herself and looked down, her eyes avoiding mine. Holding her tears back she said. "And that's all I remember," I could tell she was lying. Her face held the expression that she had avoided telling me something that seemed to be the whole point of her visit. I'll have to talk to someone about that later to find out what actually happened…

"But the judge didn't mention anything about Benjamin. Not a thing. I fear he'll be gone forever," She added, a tear rolling down her soft cheek.

"I'm sorry to hear this deary," I told her, the first thing I had spoke to her all the time she was there.

All the sudden tears started flowing out of her fast and full of pain. "Oh! Mrs. Lovett! I just don't know what I have to live for anymore. Benjamin's gone now and I can't even leave the house without that bloody judge stopping me and trying to get me to come to his home with him!" My eyes narrowed, she hadn't told me this before. "I just don't know how long I can live like this. I'll kill myself before I let another day go by with him bringing me flowers!"

"Now Mrs. Barker," I said, placing a hand on her shoulder in an attempt to calm the women who had burst into tears in front of me. I searched my mind for a reason, a reason to get through to her that her life mattered. At this point in time, life wasn't seeming so grand for the both of us. I remembered my silent thoughts a few nights before as I had turned out the light. Lucy was thinking the same thing, perhaps more deeply then me. But there's always a reason to live, for Lucy indeed. She had so much more then I had.

I defended my thinking with the thing she had that I seemed to long for most-family.

"Let's, be reasonable 'bout this, k? No need to harm yourself. You have a wonderful child here," I motioned to the sleeping baby next to us. "She needs a mum."

Lucy nodded. "You're right," She said, the confidence building in her voice again. "It's nice to know that you will always be here to talk with, Mrs. Lovett."

I smiled at her. "Yes, of course,"

Johanna whined and started to wake up. Lucy wiped a tear off of her cheek. "Alright, well. I guess the baby will be getting a little hungry now. Huh?" I smiled again and looked down, deep in thought. With a quick whiff of eye contact, I handed the squirming child to her and we stood up.

Suddenly I felt an awful sickly feeling come over me. My head very suddenly started pounding and my stomach turned. I felt dizzy. I stumbled and sat back down.

"Are you alright, Mrs. Lovett?" Lucy asked, concern coating her voice.

"Yeah. I've just not been feelin' well the last few days. I think I'm just comin' down with something."

She displayed a concerned look. "Well, I can make you a nice drink that might make you feel better." I nodded. "Benjamin used to make it for me when I had morning sickness when I was pregnant with Johanna. It always made me feel better," She said with a slight smile. "I'll be back in a tick." She rushed upstairs.

I stopped and sat back down slowly, hardly noticing that she was leaving.

My brow furrowed.

Things were playing out in my mind.

I counted. Days-Weeks.

Morning sickness?

Well. Come to think of it…


	3. CH3 Unexpected Surprises

**Chapter 3- Unexpected Surprises**

My mind and heart raced

_I can't believe it. I just can't believe it! I have to tell someone! Who though? Who should I tell? Who should I tell first? Who do I know who I can tell? I mean, someone who will care? Do I even know anyone who will care?_

_Lucy will. Lucy will care. _

I silently thanked her for coming to me the last few days and seeming to build our weak, (I don't know if you'd even call it a) friendship. It made me overjoyed to have someone to run to with good news.

I raced up the stairs outside the shop door for the first time since Mr. Barker left, almost tripping on the first few steps. I rounded the corner and ran up to the door.

Before knocking, I saw my reflection in the glass and for a moment even I was a little bit frightened at the huge smile on my face. I guess I wasn't use to it.

I looked past it and started pounding on the door. Despite the small pieces of fabric covering the windows and keeping me from looking inside, I knew she must be home.

"Mrs. Barker?" I asked "Mrs. Barker, are yah home?" I kept pounding. I hardly recognized my own voice because of the excited nature of it at the moment. "ey! I have some exciting news to tell you! Are you listenin'?"

I couldn't contain my joy anymore; I hardly cared if she was listening, or if she was even home. I just needed to say it. "Mrs. Barker! I'm pregnant! I'm going to be a Mum!" I screamed, perhaps a little too loud.

"Mrs. Barker? Did yah hear me?" I tried the handle then, half expecting for it to be locked, but it turned. The door swung open like it had a life of its own. And that's when I saw her.

Lucy was laying on the floor in the middle of the room, curled up in a ball, shaking. I rushed over to her, my excitement fading to concern. "Mrs. Barker? Are you ok? Wot's happened?" I turned her over so she was facing the ceiling. And what a horrid sight that was.

Her skin had bumps all over it, and her hands were turning a dark, horrid purple color. Her eyes fluttered, struggling to stay open. She herself was gasping for air, holding her throat and choking on nothing. I shrieked and drew back in surprise and fear.

"Lucy what did you do?" I cried. Then I spotted the bottle, just a few inches from where she was lying.

_Arsenic_

"You poisoned yourself?" I screamed as if that were going to help. My mind raced, my heart pounded in my ears. I panicked. What was I suppose to do? I didn't know how to treat anything like this! The only thing I knew was that I had to hurry, or she'd die right in front of me. For a second all I could do was sway on my feet, feeling like I was about to pass out right on the floor next to her. I struggled to regain my balance.

I then spotted Johanna, who was wailing at the top of her lungs in her cradle across the room, as if she knew exactly what was going on. My first instinct was to grab her, so I did.

Suddenly, Lucy stopped moving. Her arms and legs went limp in the middle of the floor as if she had just given up on the fight against the poisen. My eyes widened in fear. I took in a deep breath and held it in.

_Could she be dead?_

I didn't have any time to lose. I had to tell someone in case she was still alive. I ran down the stairs even faster than I had ran up them and ran straight to the first person I saw.

"Excuse me sir? But the woman who lives up in this room seemed to have taken poison! Someone's got to do something! She might not make it! Help, please!" I shrieked, trying desperately (and failing desperately) to hide the absolute terror in my voice. The man turned around, and my heart only sank deeper.

It was the judge. Judge Turpin.

"Lucy?" He asked, his deep voice booming down the street. Several heads turned; whispers among the corwd of street goers sprung up. The judge proceeded to push me and Johanna out of the way and run up the stairs, yelling at the beadle to run for a doctor or something.

_"I'll kill myself before I let another day go by with him bringing me flowers" _The words Lucy had spoken to me echoed eerily in my ears.

I stood there in absolute horror. I had sent the judge to attend to Lucy, when the only reason she was even in this mess was because of him.

_And now? _I found myslef asking silently.

_And now what was I suppose to do?_

I stood there, bouncing the still wailing baby on my hip. "Shh, shhh. Love, everything will be alwight, Ok?" I tried to sooth her, even though I wasn't so soothed myself.

I wasn't exactly sure what to do. I wasn't about to wait and see them carry Lucy's dead body out down the stairs. There's wasn't much else it seemed that I could do then, so I hurriedly ran back into my shop. I locked the doors behind me and somehow managed to find the booth before I sank down; the energy flooded out of me in dismay and shock. I took deep breaths, trying to comprehend everything that had just happened. The warmth that Johanna kept against my chest and stomach as I held her tightly made the overall shock a little easier to deal with. I silently hoped that I was doing the same for her.

I don't know how long I stayed there in the dark shop, waiting for something to happen. Johanna had long since fallen asleep when I stood up and carried her off to my room to make a little place to set her down to rest in.

After some time, as my mind calmed and I was able to think again, I took notice to the little child lying the bundle of blankets that I had made up for her.

_Now, I'll have to get a little more appropriate for my child. _

My thoughts rang in my head and I couldn't help but smile at the fact. My own child.

Glancing back at Johanna, curled up in a ball with her thumb again in her mouth, I saw the peacefulness of it all. And I silently thanked whoever was watching over me for the fact that someday soon, I was going to be the one able to look at my own peaceful child, sleeping like the world outside is nothing to worry about.

Oh, but it is.

It was full of people doing horrible things. Like stealing, poisoning themselves, and sending innocent men off to jail.

The world was full of horrible people. Like the judge. It was his fault that Benjamin was sent away, and it was his fault that Johanna wasn't upstairs right now being cradled in her mum's arms. Couldn't he even tell how much pain he was bringing on?

And not just on Mr. Barkers family; On me too.

Mr. Barker, I'm never going to see him again. Never get to see his gorgeous face or his wonderful eyes so full of life. Never get to tell him the good news…

And it was the judges' fault. Judge Turpin. I felt heat rise in my face.

I can't even imagine what Mr. Barker is actually going through. Who knows if he even has place to sleep? I found myself worrying about him, but even more I found myself furious at the judge. How could he do such a thing?

* * *

I had wanted to stay up as late as possible to see if anyone had any news about Lucy.

I had to say, honestly, I felt a little guilty myself.

On nights that seemed so long ago, but in reality were probably only a few weeks, looking around at the dark shop at night after closing and cleaning up; Looking around and knowing that all that was left to do was crawl into bed next to an already sleeping husband; The moments where I really wished Mr. Barker was mine, I had wished that she would just disappear. As awful as it is, I secretly wished Lucy gone. I didn't care how. Taken away, lost, divorced, even dead. Those nights, I didn't care about her.

But Mr. Barker was gone now, and he might never come back, was it worth it anymore?

_Of course it is. He'll be back, I'm sure of it. _

Eventually I fell asleep; A restless sleep that was awakened much too early by the sound of a baby crying. I was going to have to get used to this…and I was okay with that.

I stood up, and made my way to Johanna, picking her up and tried to comfort her. Much to my disappointment, she continued to cry. I rocked her and tried to make her laugh, but it didn't work. I didn't blame her though. She wanted nothing else but her Mum.

I was just about to set her back down and let her cry herself to sleep when there as a loud thumping on my shop door that made me jump. I made my way to the front door, still bouncing the child.

I was dismayed to see the judge through the door's window standing outside. I rolled my eyes and almost considered turning around. But I reluctantly opened the door for the sake of finding what's happened to the child's mum.

I opened the door and looked him over, giving him a disapproving look.

"Wot?" I asked harshly. He cleared his throat nervously. As he should be, it took everything in me not to kick him in the shin or knock him over the head with a rolling pin.

"Lucy is home. She is upstairs, but not well," He said, he paused briefly wondering if I were going to say anything. When I didn't, he continued. "She must of accidentally taken, a bit of arsenic and I believe that it might of severely harmed her," He continued

_Accidentally…right._

"She's a little… weak in the head… if you get my meaning. So, until she is capable, I will be checking in on her and helping her through her daily routines."

I had been glaring at him all through his slow speech, my mouth hanging open in a very "I couldn't care less" way.

"So… until she is nursed back to health," He reached out his hands "I will be taking the child,"

I woke up to what he was saying and drew the still softly crying child closer to me.

"I don' think so," I protested. "Until yah 'ave papers on this child becoming under your care, she is under mine. Mrs. Barker specifically told me she was." I lied a little. I'm sure if Lucy would have had a chance she would have given the baby to me. I know for certain she'd pick me over the judge.

The judge only nodded and slyly smiled. "I'll make sure to get those papers as soon as possible," He said, then turned around and left without another word.

**Hugs for reading!**

**Reviews are appreciated =)**


	4. CH4 Almost tis a Pity

**Thanks for all of the reviews! They always make me so happy and soooooo glad you guys are enjoying it!**

**Chapter 4- Almost tis a pity**

A few months later

I think I actually saw Lucy stumble down the stairs this morning. Perhaps I had just dreamed that. I must have, she hasn't been out of bed since she had taken the poison; for months it's seemed now.

I myself hadn't been out of the house either; not with Johanna to take care of.

Somehow I had managed to keep Johanna alive for these two months. Which is I good sign, I suppose, since I'll have my own child to take care of in less than six months.

Even in the middle of the night when she wakens me crying, even when it seems that there's nothing to feed her but my own dreadful pies, I somehow managed to keep her alive. And I was growing quite fond of her. It's a shame I have to give her up so soon.

The judge hadn't gotten the papers as fast as I thought he would. I guess he wanted to have some last bits of fun before taking in a child. Even though when he takes her in, he probably won't pay any more attention to her then he does now.

But he was coming for her tomorrow. And I, like a fool, had become attached to her.

I'd become attached to having someone worth getting up in the morning for, and having someone need me to be there for them. As for her personally, I had become attached to her sharp giggle that is something that annoyed me at first but eventually came to love. And the peacefulness she seems to bring to the place, something that will certainly be missed.

The morning before he came, I actually woke her up, instead of her waking me, and brought her out to the shop to have a conversation that the poor little thing will never understand.

I sat her next to me in the booth. "Now, Johanna," I told her, looking her in the eyes and trying to get her to look back. "Judge Turpin's coming for yah tomorrow, and you'll no longer be with me," If I wasn't mistaken, I think I saw a frown appear on her little lips. I picked her up and sat her on my lap; I was beginning to miss her already. "Aw, come 'ere my love. Listen, I'm not sure how much you'll like it there. I don't know if you'll like it at all. And I'm not certain what the judge will do with yah, but yah 'ave to promise me a couple things,"

"Da," She coed, almost as if in response, and started to mess with a curl that was falling down onto my shoulder from the pile on top of my head. I giggled and moved her hand away from the curl.

"Now, deary. Promise me first that you'll be strong ok? Be as strong as your father. And don't ever give in like your mum. And another thing," She looked at me with her big blue eyes and they made me smile. I wrapped her in a hug. "Just don' forget about your nice Aunty Nellie, k?"

She hugged back, her tiny little arms wrapped around me. Now I'm for sure I'll miss her. Simply the thought of seeing her with the Judge made me angry and sad, but there wasn't much I could do for her. I had taken care of her while I could. Not that she'll remember any of my kindness when she's older. Oh well, I will.

Suddenly, my eyes caught something outside. An old beggar women wrapped in rags, dragging something that looked like a bag.

Wait... That was no old beggar women. That was Lucy. I _did _see her come down the stairs this morning. That was Lucy on the streets right now. I hadn't seen her since the night when I took in Johanna, and she looked even worse now than she did then. Her long yellow hair seemed to be darkened with grime; matted and tangled it covered her face. She herself was covered in rags, like she had dressed herself from the sewer. The judge must have given up on taking care of her a long time ago.

All of a sudden, I remembered something. My eyes darted upward. This means that there's no one upstairs. "You know my love," I said to Johanna, starting to realize that talking to her was just a cover up for talking to myself. "I think I lent somethin' to your mum a while ago. Wot's you say we go up and get it back before the Judge cleans your apartment out, eh?" Honestly, curiosity had been bothering me for a while now and I just wanted to see how the place looked after all this time. So I hoisted Johanna into my arms and we started upstairs.

As much as I tried to avoid it, Lucy spotted me heading up the stairs to her home. She hummed a happy tune as she hopped up to me and asked. "Alms for a miserable women?"

I frowned and looked at her. "Mrs. Barker? Do you remember me?" She looked up into my eyes for a second and I thought she was actually going to say something intelligent, but all that came out was. "Hey? Don' I know you?"

"Oh Lucy," I whispered to her. "What a mess you've made of yourself! I can't believe that you would do this!" Her head started to drift to the side, her half-dead mind trailing off… and soon she was chasing another man down the road, asking him for change. She's worse than I thought she was. I shook my head. Almost tis a pity.

Oh well.

We walked the rest of the way up the stairs and made our way into the room. I saw Johanna's face light up when we get inside. She somehow recognized the place under all the dust and filth. The judge certainly had given up on Lucy and her home a long time ago. "Goodness, how he let this place go," I mumbled. "I wonder wot he'll take when he comes to get you," I slowly spun the child and me around to get the full effect of the room. "I suppose he'll throw all of your father's things away," I mentioned to the baby, who was taking in the room as well.

For whatever reason, I remembered then. There was one thing that Benjamin loved. The one thing that he loved; not as much as his wife and child, but they were his prized position. If he ever came back, (and he is, isn't he?) he'd want them back to him. Not locked up in the Judges' home some place next to his daughter.

I walked over to the dresser and opened the bottom drawer to reveal a small box, carved with fancy designed on the outside around the edges. Setting Johanna on a chair for a second I bent down and picked up the box very carefully as if it would break. I ran my hand across the top for no apparent reason, and opened the box slowly. Inside shined seven glistening barber razors. I held them over for Johanna to see.

"See love? These are your fathers. Those handles is chased silver," I informed her. "We'll have to keep these for your father for when he comes back," But where? I slowly closed the lid and stood up.

Leaving Johanna on the chair I had sat her on, I walked around the room for a bit. I couldn't carry them down the stairs; someone would see me and accuse me of stealing. I'll have to hide them up here somewhere… but where?

I walked around so more, hoping that maybe a nice spot would pop out. I was afraid to put them _in _anything because the judge might take the furniture away. It can't go _under _anything because it would to easily be noticed. So where else was there?

I stepped on a loose floor board and the hiding place revealed itself.

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	5. CH5 Times is Hard

**Chapter 5 Times is hard **

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* * *

The next few months were almost completely uneventful.

I would get up every morning and make pies. And every once in a while a poor soul would stumble into my shop, (on purpose or by accident, who knows?) and I would sit them down and practically shove a pie down their throats, just for the sake of getting rid of one. Most of the time they left without even paying, but that was okay with me. It was just nice to talk to someone other than myself for once.

With day after day of what seemed like nothing happening, about three months after Johanna left, I made my way to the market to get something other than food.

So instead of just buying groceries and leaving, I wondered to other parts of the market-the flower shop, the pretty clothes. And I just walked around.

The sun shining in the usually dark sky, the breeze making the temperature just right; it all seemed to amount to the perfect day.

Apparently it had been a long time since I had been out and around the town, because so many people didn't know I was expecting. I must have gotten tons of congratulations and pats on the stomach from people in the town. People that knew me, but usually never bothered to interact with me. Oh well. It made me feel loved for the brief moment.

After walking around the market quite a bit, I ventured to a different part of town.

When I got to my destination, it almost looked cheery with all the people walking around, children playing on the streets, and the sun shining off of the bright pavement. If only they knew what was going on inside those buildings walls.

I wasn't going to bother with knocking on the buildings door and asking if I could see Johanna. I can guarantee you that the Judge wouldn't let me near her. He won't let anyone near her. It just wasn't worth my energy. As I circled around the large building that poor little Johanna now called her home, I noticed something.

A poor beggar woman; sitting in a corner of the street, rocking back and forth and humming to herself.

Lucy.

I hadn't seen her around my pie shop anymore, she must have migrated over here, by Judge Turpin's manor.

Suddenly there was a booming voice from behind me. "It's a pity isn't it?"

I spun around. Judge Turpin was standing in the front door-way of his home. I scowled at him. "So much for takin' care of her, eh? Now that she's not your beautiful yellow haired Lucy anymore," I spat at him. He looked down at his feet for a moment and then brought his gaze back up.

"Mrs. Lovett. I didn't know you were with-child," He smirked.

Something twitched inside of me. The look on his face would of sent any other girl running in the opposite direction; it almost did to me too, but I stood my ground, and scowled back. "Don't change the subject you pig. So much for nursing her back to health, you did nothing of the sort. And look at your darling Lucy now. Certainly is a pity how you could let yourself let her go like that."

He slyly smiled at me, obviously just speaking with me because he had nothing better to do. "Oh, please. I tried, really I did. Why, I even took in her child when little Johanna had no other place to go," his voice disgusted me. "And besides," He motioned to Lucy who was now up and begging to a man for alms. "She's a natural," He gave a sickening chuckle as he wondered back into the house.

I shook my head and started my walk home. What a dreadful man. He really doesn't know what he's getting himself into. One of these days, someone is going to get him back for everything he's done.

* * *

Times is hard.

Times was hard and in the course of the next few months they were only getting worse.

I had sat down in the shop one day and was doing what I seemed to be doing more and more day after day; staring at the dark London sky with nothing to do but watch the shop gather dust. I sat back, leaning my head against the wall behind the booth where the two windows met and placed a hand on my round stomach. I felt the baby kick, and it made a smile spread across my face. "Doing just fine," My mid-wife says about the little thing inside of me. I don't think she quite gets what a wonderful feeling it is just to hear those three words. I closed my eyes and couldn't help but think about how lucky I was.

But less pleasant thoughts slowly crept into my head.

Alright, so I hadn't had more than a few paying customers in what has it been, three months? And no renters upstairs. So, really, no way for money to be coming in regular like. I had to face the facts; with my own little one on the way, I had to do something about this. I was beginning to find it hard to simply feed myself… I thought about it for a long time (which was good, because at the moment it seemed to be the only thing I had-time) and decided; I'll have to rent the space upstairs again.

I hadn't wanted to. I had wanted to keep it empty, still nice and clean for when Mr. Barker comes back. I must of argued with myself over it for hours. But unfortunately, it all came down to it; there's no telling when he will return, and times is hard.

So, I set a sign in my pie shop window that read, "Room over shop for rent." and prayed that someone would see the sign and come to ask about it.

The next day was bright, almost too bright. It seemed that this town only had two kinds of days, bright and dreary; Never a nice in-between. I had wanted to get out of the house, but didn't really have any place to go, so I simply got dressed and went out to sit on the front steps up to the old room.

After struggling to sit and get comfortable on the wooden stairs, and barley successfully doing so, I sat back and enjoyed the soft mumbling of the street goers.

It wasn't two minutes that I was sitting there enjoying myself when I saw a couple examining the sign hung in my shop window. I leaned a little closer to listen to what they were saying about it.

"Love," Said the women to the man. "Did you see that the room above this pie shop is up for rent again?"

He groaned agreeably and added. "But did you hear what happened to the previous owners?"

My brows pulled together. _What had he heard about the Barkers?_

"There was a barber and his wife that lived up there. And one day, the barber just disappeared." _I found myself outraged. He did not simply disappear! _

"And his wife? She went crazy a few weeks later. Completely mad."

_She poisoned herself! She didn't just lose her mind, she tried to commit suicide. Where do these people get these facts?_ I wondered. I wasn't about to say anything though. That would not only pin me as nosy, but it would also require me standing up, which just wasn't much of an option for something so useless at this point in time.

"Well then," The woman spoke again. "I guess the place is haunted."

I rolled my eyes. _What a bright conclusion._

"Better tell the Franks, they were thinking of renting this one." The man said before they both walked away, shaking their heads.

I shook my head too.

_Smashing, now everyone will conclude that the place is haunted. I wonder how long a rumor like that can take to spread. _

It only took a few weeks for my question to be answered. Fast enough.

After four straight weeks of no one even mentioning renting out the place, I took out the sign. And I decided I wouldn't go near the place either. I mean, people think it's haunted, and who's to say they're wrong?

And besides, I had more important matters to attend to. After all, I'm due any day now.

* * *

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	6. CH6 Perfect

**I know I took kinda long to update but oh well! Here I am again!**

**Chapter 6- Perfect.**

"Congratulations, Nellie. You have a beautiful baby boy," The words rang in my ears like a dream. I thought for a second that I was dreaming.

But then I held him.

I held him in my arms for the first time today; So small and wonderful. And perfect. Oh, it's overwhelming.

My midwife, Jane, said he looks a lot like me. "Poor boy," I had responded laughing, not looking up from his perfect face as I cradled him in my arms. I don't think I could of looked up if I had wanted to. I just couldn't keep my eyes off of him.

He's so tiny, I'm almost afraid to hold him, afraid of breaking him. Foolish, eh?

For the longest time, silence hung in the room and for the first time possibly ever, I was ok with it. I smiled down at the little thing in my arms and ran my fingers through the very small amount of hair sprouting out of the little boys head. He squirmed a little in my arms and open his eyes. Unusually big if you ask me; but with a beautiful shade of brown that made my heart melt. "You've got yah fathers eyes, love," I whispered to the baby in my arms.

And for the first time in what seemed like forever, I found myself thinking about Albert. But it seemed right; I mean, it's his child too. I wondered if he was looking down from up above right now and smiling too; or if he even cared…

Now Mr. Barker, he would have cared. He would have been the one down here right now, congratulating me and asking to hold the baby. And I wouldn't have let him because I just can't keep my eyes off of him. And Benjamin would joke about it and eventually…

I had to stop myself. Mr. Barker is gone, and even if he was here, he wasn't mine. It still hurt inside to think that.

I forced myself to stop thinking about it. It's certain pain that I just didn't need right now. I instead centered my attention on surveying the room. Jane had left my bedroom momentarily to get something, and the only sound came from the soft voices and tittup of house hooves outside. The light shone in brightly through the closed, light colored drapes in the room. In the stillness of the room, I heard the breathing of the boy down in my arms. My eyes again flickered down to him.

He had fallen asleep in my arms. A sense of trust, love. Someone actually trusted me with everything; with his whole life. I'm his mum, and nothing can take that away.

Jane came walking back into the bedroom, her brown curls falling out from under her bonnet. She smiled at me sitting in the bed and put a glass of water down on the table next to my bed.

"Want me to take the boy so you can relax and have some water?" She asked.

I shook my head, "No. everything's perfect right now,"

Jane sat down in the chair next to the bed and asked. "Have you come up with a name yet?"

"Name?" I was surprisingly drawn back by this question. I hadn't even begun to think of a name. Well, I guess then I'll have to start thinking of one.

I bit my lip and couldn't help but feel kind of foolish for all this time not even really thinking about it. Had Albert ever had a name he would have liked? No… me either really…

After what seemed like years of staring at the little boys face and trying to think of a name, I got it.

I decided to name him Benjamin. I mean, no one would know that the name was after _him, _would they? Mr. Barker will never be back, I've faced that. (Well, maybe not) And Lucy, well who cares about her anymore, right?

Naming my child Benjamin will be a nice way to remember him. And I won't call him Benjamin _all _the time. I'll call him Ben most of the time. Well, I've always sort of liked the name anyway.

Benjamin Albert Lovett. It's perfect.

"Benjamin," I whispered out loud, just to hear myself say it. "Benjamin," I said again, this time more to Jane.

She smiled "Is that what you've named him?" she asked.

"Yes. Do you like it?"

"It's perfect," she said, looking down at the baby half-asleep in my arms. "He looks like a Benjamin."

I looked down at the little boy again. "Yes, I guess he does."

I can't even express how delighted I am to have him; To have someone to look after and take care of and love. Not only that, but to have someone that loves me back. I don't think anyone's ever loved me like that child does, and I don't think anyone ever will. I see it in his eyes.

I laid my head against the stone wall behind my bed and closed my eyes, taking in the moment.

"Are you tiered? Would you like me to take the child?" Jane asked again. I kept my eyes shut and shook my head.

"No, no. It's fine." I opened my eyes and glanced over at the little corner of my room I had prepared for the baby ahead of time. All it had in it was a shelf with a single blue stuffed bear on it. A bassinet was meant to fill up the corner too, but right now it was placed next to my bed.

That cradle was the most expensive thing I've bought in my entire life. But I'd buy a million of them for my child, no matter how hard times are…

I glanced back down at Benjamin then up to Jane. "I only hope I can make a good life for him. Times is so hard. Money so tight." I frowned.

Jane sighed. "Tis true." She agreed. "But you'll get by. You're a wise girl. You will." I smiled at her. It's been a long time since anyone's encouraged me. "Why don't you rent the place upstairs for a few extra pennies?" She asked. "Sure some nice couple will move in,"

I sat my head against the wall again and looked at Jane in her dark blue eyes. "Oh, that up there? No one will go near it."

She seemed a little shocked. "Well, why's that?"

"Haven't yah heard? People think it's haunted. I tried to rent it out, no one went even close to it. I thought that rumor spread around a while ago."

She shook her head, her brown curls hanging out of her bonnet bouncing. "I guess I'm not really up to date with the latest gossip." She admitted. "Do you believe the rumors?"

I shrugged, trying not to wake the peaceful little thing in my arms. "Who's to say they're wrong?"

Jane frowned and nodded again. "I _did _hear what happened to the people who use to rent the place though. Tis a pity. Poor barber sent away and his wife gone completely mad. Lucy was her name, yes?"

I moved slowly to move a piece of hair that had fallen into my face behind my ear. "You knew the Barkers?"

"I was the midwife for Lucy when she had her little baby a little over a year ago. Little Johanna." She answered. I nodded.

"Lucy just didn't go mad though." I informed her. "She poisoned herself. Arsenic." Jane's eyes went big with shock.

"Poison? She tried to kill herself?" She asked.

I nodded. "Yes. I was the one who found her." I added.

"Oh, how horrible."

I nodded again.

"Well, I suppose I can't blame her. Not after what happened at the Judge's party," Jane said.

The judge's party? What Lucy was drug off to that night when she left Johanna with me? Yes. I remember thinking how there was something she wasn't telling me about that night.

"Wot happened?" I asked, leaning in and listening curiously at what Jane knew about this.

* * *

We had talked for the rest of the night. I never realized how wonderful it was to actually have someone to talk to about things.

Jane had informed me what she heard happened to Lucy at the Judges that night. Suddenly, I don't blame Lucy for wanting to kill herself. I'd kill myself if the judge simply touched me. Slimy serpent.

Before I knew it, Jane announced that she had to leave for the night. So we said our goodbyes and she left.

Now, all alone again, I looked down at sleeping Benjamin. He blinked a few times and opened his big brown eyes to look into mine. "Why, ello, love." I spoke to him. I felt warm tears fall down my cheeks. I hate crying, usually I do. But right now, looking down at my new world I couldn't help but think I was the luckiest person alive and cry out of happiness.

"Alwight, little one. I'm gonna tell you right now that life can be tough sometimes. But your goin' to get through it because I'm your Mum. We'll get through it all together. You're my Benjamin, and nothing will ever change that." He blinked as if he understood, and after I was done talking, he slowly drifted back to sleep in my arms.

I nodded. "You're my Benjamin. You're my Benjamin." I repeated, loving the words and how well they seemed to flow. I fell asleep with my Benjamin in my arms, peaceful, wonderful, and perfect.

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	7. CH7 Ben

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**Chapter 7- Ben**

"Alwight love, now see how I tie this m'kay?" I told Ben as I tied his shoe onto his little foot. I had set him on the counter in the shop and tied his shoe for him so we could take a trip to the market. He looked down at me with his bright, brown eyes; his face expressionless. He doesn't often say much, not that he knows more then a few words.

His birthday was in a few days. It had been almost a year since I had held him for the first time. It doesn't seem that long.

The last year had been hard, but we made it through it together, just like I knew we would. Ben likes to sit in my shop and bang pans together while I work on making pies. Business hasn't really gotten much better, and the place is still empty upstairs, but selling a few of Albert's things helped with household expenditure.

I lifted his foot to show him the knot I had just tied for him. "Now see this? One of these days you're goin' to have to do this yourself, yah know." I told him. He looked continued to look at me blankly.

I smiled at his "I couldn't care less" expression. Ben's very quiet. Ever since he was a little thing he never cried. And now, I know he knows words, but he tends not to use them. Especially around people other than me.

"Come on," I picked him up off of the counter and set him next to me on his feet. Letting go of him, I watched as he tried his best to wobble a few steps. He then fell to the floor, only to try and get up and walk again. I smiled at his efforts as he stumbled across the pie shop.

"Ben! Don' you wonder too far now! Stay in the room,"

I kept one eye on him as I picked up the flowers that were lying on the baking room table and sat in the wooden stool placed next to it. I had found the gillyflowers outside the door this morning. This wasn't the first morning that I had found a dozen by my door step. Someone had left them for me, though, I wasn't entirely sure who or why. I brushed it off and set the flowers to the side with a pile of other dieing ones; I'm not interested in meeting any man right now.

I watched Ben reach a wall across the room and then crawl his way back across the dirty floor to me. (I suddenly regretted not cleaning them last week like I had said I would. Oh well, cleaning hasn't always been my forte.) Ben finished his journey across the floor and came to me. He sat down and looked up at me, still with that blank expression that I seem to love so much for no apparent reason.

"Good job deary!" I told him with a huge smile, clasping my hands together. His face broke out into an enormous grin and he giggled. If there was anything that I liked better then his big eyes that seem to always sparkle, it was his smile. I swept him off the floor into my arms, tickling his stomach and making him burst into fits of laughter.

"That's my boy. That's my little Benjamin," I whispered stroking back his curly brown hair so it didn't fall in his face.

I gave him one more once over before heading for the door, barely remembering to check if I was wearing shoes myself. "Come on. Let's head out, now shall we?" I asked the child, leaving the shop and locking the door behind us.

I glanced up the stairs as we passed them. Not a day goes by where I don't think of Mr. Barker. After almost a year, it almost seems pathetic. But I can't even imagine where he could be right now. What he could be going through. And why he hasn't come back yet. As much as I try to not get my hopes up, I haven't lost faith that he will. I know he will. He'll return one day to the dreadful thing that used to be his life, and I'll help him scrap it all back up. Maybe he'll see me the way I want him too. Maybe he can be the dad that poor little Benjamin will never have.

Well…it's nice to think that way anyway.

As for his wife, Lucy, she still hangs around the Judges home, she must know somehow that Johanna is suffering inside those walls. I haven't seen Johanna at all. Judge Turpin keeps her snug. The poor little thing.

Ben's eyes followed a butterfly as we walked down the street to the market. I kept smiling at the little boy in my arms; I could honestly say that I've never been happier then when the lad is in my arms.

It took me a year to realize it, but Jane was right, he did look a lot like me. When he was little he seemed to have small little red curls popping out of his head, although now, they seemed to be turning a more of a brown. And he has a round face that looks a little too much like mine.

"Dow, dow" Ben whispered in my ear, tugging lightly on one of my curls to get my attention.

I removed the hair from his grasp and held his hand. "Alwight, my love. I'll put you down, but you have to hold me hand," I set him down.

Ben is such an outgoing child; probably my favorite thing about him. No, I take that back. I love everything about him. He looked up at me for a moment, as if asking for permission to go on walking (or, stumbling more like for a eleven month old). I nodded at him and motioned for him to go on and he happily staggered forward. I made sure to keep his hand tight in my grip.

Not that I'd let his hand go even if he could walk on his own. There's no way I'm letting him out of my sight. Not since what happened a few months ago.

_I had set Benjamin on a chair in the pie shop, just for him to relax while I went and drew a bath and got a change of clothes. Ben was just learning how to crawl and he was exploring everywhere. I didn't think he'd move from where I set him, but when I came back out to the shop, he was gone. _

_I remember running around the house and shop franticly screaming his name and looking for him everywhere. My heart sank when I figured where he must of gone. I ran to the bathroom, and sure enough. There he was. Face down in the tub water. _

_My heart sank and I ran over as fast as I could to pick him up. How could of he gotten in here? Didn't I close the door? Why didn't I watch him? _

_I wasn't sure what to do but it appeared he wasn't breathing. So I did what I tend to do when disaster strikes. I ran Ben out into the street, screaming for someone to help me._

_A man had come up to me and taken Ben. Unable to take it I remember turning my back, running quite a bit away, and bawling my eyes out. How could I let this happen? Was I really not fit to be a mother? _

_Thankfully, another man came rushing up to me and took me by the hand. "Mrs. Lovett. Your son's fine," He had said dragging me back to the front of the pie shop. _

_I cried even harder as the nice man who had revived Benjamin handed the also sobbing baby back into my arms. I almost wanted to refuse to take him. But I choked out a "Thank you so much, sir." And heard a "Pleasure, ma'am," before I stumbled back into the shop._

_I didn't sleep for the rest of that week. All I did was stay up all night and watch Ben sleep. It made me feel like I was a better mum. _

And since then, I hadn't let the child out of my sight. Not at all after a scary ordeal like that.

When we finally had walked all the way to the market, I picked Ben up to keep him from being trampled by the mass of Londoners.

We wondered around for a while, buying groceries and looking at the flowers.

We were not there for but a half an hour when I heard an all too familiar booming voice from behind me. "Mrs. Lovett?" I sighed and swallowed hard as I turned to face the judge. I didn't bother to do anything but scowl at him.

"You're looking brighter and brighter by the day. Motherhood is treating you well." He said. I just continued to scowl at him, not wanting to bother wasting breath on the pig. "How's Benjamin?" He asked, taking a step towards us.

"Fine," I said, spinning around and beginning to walk as fast as possible in the opposite direction.

I heard the Judge snicker. "I still find it hard to believe you named the child after _him_," I stopped then and turned around. I could feel the heat rising in my face. But I wasn't about to start anything with him. Not with Ben in my arms. So I bit my lip, turned around, and proceeded to keep a little dignity as I walked away.

But I could still hear the judge when he said, "Did you get my gifts?" I stopped dead in my tracks, and turned around slowly, realizing.

"It was _you '_o left the flowers every mornin'!" I walked back over to him, fast, with steps full of determination. I moved Ben onto my hip so he wouldn't be in the middle of the fight. "You slimy li'le serpent!" I spat in his face.

"I'll take that as a yes," He spoke smoothly and calmly, which just made me angrier.

"Don't you _ever_ think for one second that I don't see what you're doing. And don't you dare think for one second that I'm falling for it! Because, you know wot' Judge Turpin?" I screamed, leaning into his vile face. "I am stronger then Lucy, and I am wiser then Lucy, and I am ten times brighter then Lucy ever was! And I'll never let you anywhere near me and I'll never _ever_ let you anywhere near Benjamin!" I turned around and walked with confidence in the direction of home, hoping I left the judge in a spot so he'll never bother us again.

**=) Next chappy will be up soon! Let me know what you think!**


	8. CH8 Birthday Visit

**Aw man guys, I meant to update this quick but…ugh…darned school. Anyway, Here it is, chapter 8!**

**Chapter 8 Birthday visit **

" 'ere you are, my love." I placed Ben down in the booth in the pie shop and made my way over to the counter where I picked up a nice fresh meat pie that I had made that day just for him.

I picked up a fresh candle that I had just popped out of the box and placed it in the still warm pie. Then, I lit the candle and carried the pie over to Ben. I placed it on the table in front of him. " 'appy Birthday Benjamin!" I said with a smile. He didn't do anything but look at the meat pie and then at me. I pointed to the candle. "It's a candle, my dear, you're suppose to blow it out on your birthday." He looked back at the candle, his mouth hanging open in confusion. " 'ere," I leaned in and I blew out the candle. Ben gasped.

"See? You blow it out!" He looked back over at me, with his blank face. I nodded. "Yeah, I've never really understood it either. But you see my Mum, your Grandmum, use to do this every year at my birthday. She said that they do it in Germany and it symbolizes…"

I looked back at the boy who was just blankly staring at me as if saying, "Mum, you're barking mad," I smiled and nodded.

"Yes, well. I never understood most of Mum's traditions either." I stood up and took the candle out of the cake to go put it back in the box I got it from on the counter. "She always did it for me though. And I never figured I'd ever get to do it for anyone but meself," I sighed, "Well, at least you've had the experience."

I saw Ben reach for a handful of the meat pie. "Oh, no no no," I told him, rushing around the corner and pulling the plate out from in front of him. "Trust me deary, you do _not _want to eat that." He frowned when I snatched the pie away and his big eyes grew heavy with tears. I threw the pie in the trash can. "It's alwright my love. We'll go get you something special for your day," I walked across the room and opened up my little coin purse, only to be surprised to find that it was empty. I frowned.

_Well, I guess nothing special then. _

I turned back to Ben. "Never mind that. We've got everythin' for a nice time here. Now don' we?"

I walked over to Ben and picked him up. For being a year old, he was still very small. I sat in the booth with him in my arms and bounced him on my knee. He giggled his playful giggle and it made me smile too. Then, there was a knock at the door.

I knew who it was, even with all the shades drawn. Just to check, I peaked out the front shop window. Sure enough, there was the Judge, standing at my front door with a red roes. He hadn't given up since that day at the market. Ugh, he makes me sick.

Ben yawned. "Tiered? I'll just put you down for a nap then," I walked him to the back bedroom and set him down in his small crib. "There you are. Nice and cozy," I made sure he was asleep, which he tends to do fast anyway, before going back out to the pie shop.

The knocking at the door didn't cease. "Leave us alone! Not interested!" I shouted. Though, that wasn't very smart; now he knew I was home.

"Eleanor? I…" He started.

"I at no time ever gave you permission to call me by me first name, thank you very much!" I shouted back at him, grateful that Ben was a heavy sleeper.

"Mrs. Lovett…" He tried again but I cut him off.

"Nope!" I grabbed a rolling pin and proceeded to knock back at him on the door. Hopefully hard enough that if he was leaning his ear on the door like I assumed he was it rattled him a little bit.

"Mrs. Lovett! The flower is not for you! It's for Benjamin. Isn't today his birthday?" The fact that he knew what day his birthday was sent a chill down my back. How does he know these things?

"Don' care!" I pounded harder on the door, still not daring to open it up.

"So this is what you did to poor Lucy, eh? Got inside her life? Then got inside her 'ead? Well, not me. Now leave before I actually come out there and bang on your 'ead with this rollin' pin!" I pounded on the door one last time, hoping he got the point, and not caring about the dents I was leaving. It was silent and after a minute or two went by; I sat down in the booth and prayed that he was gone.

I wasn't about to open the door just yet. Just because he wasn't at the door anymore doesn't mean he's not just across the street.

Sitting there, the thought hit me suddenly and I was flooded with guilt.

_So the bloody ole' Judge got your son something for his birthday and you didn't?_

It was true. I hadn't been able to purchase Ben even a flower. We just couldn't afford it.

_But that's not fair to the child! I shouldn't take out on him what we don't have! _

I felt so awful.

_I'm sorry Ben. I hope when you're older you'll understand. _

I glanced out the window and concluded that the Judge was gone. But I could still barely see that there was still something on the front steps. I unlocked and opened the door. On the step was a single rose; which I kicked across the street knowing for a fact that the rose was not for Ben. But it's what was under the roes that surprised me. Five pennies laid on the step. I picked them up and flipped them around between my fingers. "Well," I sighed. "Waste not want not, as my mum use to always say," I smiled and tried my best to forget the fact that the coins were from the Judge as I closed and locked the door again.

Better go wake Ben up. We can go get something special now.

**Thank you all my loves for reading!**

**This Chapter comes with another poster! So check that out on my profile!**


	9. CH9 What Has to be Done

**Guess what? Its Me again! To make up for the last short chapter and the gaps in updating, here is another chapter, posted on the same night!**

**So you better enjoy it! =)**

**Chapter 9- What has to be done **

I sat in bed, wide awake for what seemed like the hundredth night in a row. I glanced over at Ben who was sleeping so peacefully in his bassinet in the corner of the room. With the small amount of light illuminating from the candle on a table next to me, the room looked calm and peaceful. But my mind was far from easy.

It had been around six months since the Judge has bothered me last. I think I got through to him that day at the store. That or he simply got bored of me. Nothing much had changed in the last few months otherwise; unless you count the money problem that I seem to be running into more and more.

Ben had to go without breakfast and dinner today. I had been going without the two for a couple weeks. But today was the first day I'd had to take that away from him. And it broke my heart.

Meat to fill the pies had become too expensive all together. So I haven't been able to even open up shop for over a week now. Of course, no one will move in upstairs, and there just doesn't seem like any other way to provide for us.

A tear fell down my cheek. I wiped it away brutally, angry at my own weakness. I needed to be strong. I needed to be strong for Ben.

I told myself that tomorrow, I would save the little supper I usual have and give it all to Ben. He needed it more then I do, right?

I closed my eyes and sighed. That can't possibly be the right answer. I wasn't sure, was there even a correct answer in a situation like this?

My eyes were heavy yet I was unable to get to sleep. All it seemed that I could think about was how tomorrow's meal was coming… or not coming.

Almost absentmindedly, I threw the covers off of me and swung my legs over the edge of my bed. Although I didn't seem to have the energy, I grabbed the candle and made my way to the parlor. I don't know exactly why. Maybe getting up and walking around will make me more tiered; get my mind off of things perhaps.

I sat down in the chair besides the fireplace and proceeded to try to fall back asleep. With no such luck, I stood up and found myself looking at myself in the mirror above the fireplace. I frowned at the face looking back.

"Look at yah now, this isn't the cheery look you had on but a few months ago, is it? Look at yourself love. You're not sleepin', and now, you're not eatin'. What's goin' to become of yah?" I looked around the room, slightly embarrassed at the conversation I had struck up with myself, even though there was no one around.

My stomach growled.

_Splendid. Hungry already are we?_

I felt more tears coming on but pushed them back. They've never helped any.

Suddenly, I heard a small voice coming from the bedroom. "Ma?" It asked softly before becoming a louder cry. "Ma?" Oh, I left poor little Ben in the dark. Poor thing.

I grabbed the candle "Coming, my love! Shhh, it's ok."

I walked in the room, letting the candle flood the space in a weak glow. Ben was relieved to see light. I walked in and set the candle down before swooping Ben into my arms. "Sorry, dear. Mummy just left for a li'le bit. But I'm back now, eh?" His breathing slowed as he calmed down. I carried him to my bed and laid back down with him, humming softly to him as he fell back asleep.

I thought he was already back asleep, so I stopped humming. I held Ben closer in my arms, hugging his small figure to me. Was it just me, or was he… lighter?

_He can't be, it's only been one day I've had to have him go without food, hasn't it? Oh, no. I can't let this happen. Something has to be done. Benjamin can't starve. _

My poor baby. I again struggled to resist the want to cry, but tears still blurred my vision until I just decided to let them fall down my cheek.

I can't let anything bad happen to Ben.

I didn't know it, but Ben was still awake. He looked up at my with his big eyes and reached up to touch my cheek. "Try?" He asked, I was a little surprised when he spoke. I looked down at him and smiled. His eyes sparkled in the dim candle light and concern was displayed on his little face. He cared about me. I guess I was still getting used to being cared for.

I nodded. "Yes, deary, I'm crying. But I'm alwight. Mummy's ok." I hugged him closer and whispered in his ear. "Don't worry Benjamin. Nothings gonna harm you. Not while I'm around, alright?"

I pulled him away, only to see that he had fallen asleep, his thumb in his mouth. His peacefulness and carelessness made me smile. He doesn't have to worry about the outside world. And he shouldn't have to worry where his next meal is coming from. And neither should I. That's just too much. Besides I don't think I can keep this up much longer. Starving myself and getting no sleep.

I simply can't provide for us; Plain as that.

_I just knew I wasn't fit to be a Mum. _

But I stopped myself from thinking this. Just because I can't provide for us doesn't mean I'm not fit to have a child. It's how I handle the situation that makes me fit right? I have to do the right thing for the both of us. So we can get food every day, and have a nice warm place to sleep. Winters coming soon, and I don't have logs for the fire.

So then and there, I figured what had to be done.

So, that night, after setting Ben down in his crib and still not being able to get back to sleep, I began to pack. Pack up the little belongings. His favorite stuffed animal, a few small things of mine, and that was about all.

The next day, I filled out the papers. And the day after that I walked out of the store with Ben in my arms and locked the shop for what would be the last time in a while. Taking one last look at the windows in the room above us, I prayed that someday, we'll be able to come back.

_Someday we will. I know it. _

And we started down the road, covered in a thin snow from the night before.

After we had walked for a while, Ben looked around confused. He wasn't familiar with the part of town we had wondered into, neither was I much. He looked at me with his big eyes even bigger than usual.

"It's alwight love. Everythin's goin' to be fine. We're just goin' some place to stay for a li'le bit until Mummy can find some stable income, kay? Everythin's fine." I turned the corner and stopped dead in my tracks.

There, at the end of the street stood a giant, gruesome, and horrid looking building. There at the end of the street stood our home for, _hopefully_, only the next few months. There at the end of the street, stood the workhouse.

**Thanks for reading loves!**

**Please review!**


	10. CH10 The Workhouse

**Oh man you guys, I am so sorry for taking so long to update.**

**Well here it finally is!**

**Chapter 10- The Workhouse**

My heart pounded in my chest and my breaths seemed to only be able to come out in jerks. It almost seemed like I couldn't move, like perhaps my feet were stuck to the frozen ground. I swallowed hard, struggling to get the lump in my throat to disappear.

_You could turn around right now, you know. Go back to the shop. _

_And do what? Starve to death? No! Be strong now, you can do it. Just take a step. _

I hadn't realized it before, but Ben was shivering; I needed to get him inside.

Even if it was inside the workhouse.

So I took in a deep breath, held my head high, and bit my lip. Pulling Ben closer to my chest I started down the road which seemed to be stretching longer by the second.

The only sound on the cold London street as I walked down it was the clomping of my boots- it made the moment even more tense.

_Just keep reminding yourself- Its all for the best, all for the best. You wouldn't of survived much longer on your own. And it's just for a bit-few months or so…_

When I got within a few feet of the door, I stopped. Was I to knock? Go in? I turned around as if someone on the street could give me the answer. When I turned back, the door had opened and there was a short, fat man with dark hair standing in the doorway. I gasped.

He chuckled, "Gave you a fright, now did I?" He laughed as if he was the funniest thing in the world. I just stood there.

"I suppose you're Eleanor Lovett?" He asked with an abrupt frown. I nodded, not really wanting to say anything. "Come on in,"

He opened the door and led us to a front room, all the while talking; not that I heard anything he had to say. Instead I took in the room. The ceiling, walls, and floor were all a dark shade of grey and the energy in the room was absolutely… dead. All there was was a few old doors here and there, a couple chairs that looked like they'd brake as soon as you sat in them, and a few candles to dimly light the gloomy room.

I frowned at the site. There wasn't anything else in the small room besides me, Ben, and the man. I hadn't noticed anything that the man was doing until he knocked on a door across the room.

My stomach was still fluttering, my breaths were still shaky, but I somehow managed to not pass out as I reached my hand up to stroke Ben's hair; it comforted both him and me.

"Mister? The new paupers are here," Said the man, his voice echoing in the dull room.

After his voice had finished bouncing off the walls, the room fell into silence. I yawned. I was way overly tiered. But here's one nice thought-how nice it will to be to fall asleep at night and not have to worry about Ben or I.

Moments later, out of the door came a tall, slender man, besides the similar clothing, completely opposite to the man that had welcomed us in. He had dark yellow hair that came out in splotches in the top of his head and face. The overall appearance of the man was…sickening. His eyes were too big for his small long face and his arms and legs reminded me much of a skeleton.

"Mrs. Lovett. Correct?" He asked taking three long strides toward Ben and me. I nodded again. "Speak girl!" He commanded. I narrowed my eyes in surprise at his sudden command- looks like we'll be _great _friends.

"Yes, sir." I mumbled a little mockingly.

He reached out his long arms that seemed just about as long as his legs. "Give me the child," I pulled Ben away from the man's reach and walked back a few steps.

"No!" I said back, pulling my eyebrows together even more.

"Mrs. Lovett," The short man spoke again "This is Mr. Patterson. He's the master of this workhouse. He's here to take your child to the children's receiving ward before he goes to join the other children in the regular children's ward."

"_Children's_ ward?" I asked loudly in surprise. I took another few steps back from the men.

"Yes ma'am. That is where your son will be kept for your stay at this workhouse," The short man added, irritation rising in his voice.

"No! No one told me he'd be taken from me!" I shouted at them, becoming angry at the situation. Ben needs _me._ I don't trust anyone but_ me, _and sometimes not even myself…

"Don't worry Mrs. Lovett." The tall man said with a slimy voice that reminded me a little too much of the Judge's. "Most of the time the older children take good care of the younger ones… well, the lucky ones at least," He walked closer to me, running a chill down my back. "Now, give me the child,"

"No!" I rejected, perhaps overreacting a little bit. "I'll leave this place before I let you take Benjamin away from me!" I said quickly, running out of breath.

_Nonono! This is not suppose to happen…_

"Ma'am. It makes no difference to us whether you stay or leave. It's you and your Benjamin that would be out in the streets."

My mind flickered to Lucy as I imagined Ben and I sitting next to her in the snow begging for money. I can't lead us out there.

I still wasn't going to give up without a fight.

"Ben needs me," I said, trying to calm down simply for the sake of convincing them. "He's not but a year and a half!" Ben through all of this was waiting quietly in my arms, not daring to speak at all around the strangers.

"I'm sorry ma'am. But this is how things in this workhouse work. You can see him every day at meal times and when you check out of the workhouse, he will be completely returned to you," The stout man said, his voice angry as if this was a waste of his time.

"You speak of him as if he's a piece of luggage!" I shouted a little too loud. Ben whined and covered his ears. "Sorry love," I whispered in his ear before turning back to the two men.

Without another word the skinny man walked over, took Ben under the child's arms and tried to take him from me. I gasped out of surprise and pulled Ben away from him before he could take my boy from my grip.

Changing from defensive to just plain angry, I leaned in the tall man's face and emphasized my words with spit. "Don't you _dare_ touch Ben!" I shouted.

It was foolish of me to get so close to the skeleton man just to stress the statement, for seconds later, he moved quickly and snatched Ben right out of my arms.

My heart skipped a beat.

I gasped and did the first thing that came to my mind; I kicked him square in the shin with the hard tip of the boot I had on. "Give 'im back!" I shouted at him as if it would help.

The next thing I knew there was a sharp pain across my cheek as the man holding Ben took his other hand and stuck me across the face. The sting made me cry out as I bent over, the pain burning my cheek and crawling to my eyes. I looked up at the man from where I now stood, him towering over me even more. I tried my hardest to come up with something to say back, but for once, I was speechless.

I felt my cheek with my hand. It was warm. My hand glided form the cheek to my eyes as automatic stinging tears developed. I wiped them away as fast as I could and straightened back up, suddenly becoming aware that Ben was crying.

"Mrs. Lovett! Quiet your child!" The man holding him commanded "Or should I strike him too?" I was thrown off by his threat.

"Then hand him back to me!" I shouted back, trying to show that the hit hadn't shaken me.

"That's not an option," He said too calmly for my likings. I quickly regained my composure and took a few loud and determined steps toward the skeleton man still holding Ben.

"Give me my child," I growled. I was surprised to feel cold hands grab my wrists from behind. The other man in the room was able to grab my hands and hold them behind my back.

The tall man shouted something at me as I struggled to free my hand from the tight grip. But I ignored his cruel voice and yelled at him, "You have no right to do this!"

Tiredness finally caught up to me and tears stung my eyes as my mind raced. All it seemed I could do was scream useless statements.

"THIS IS UNLAWFUL!"

I struggled and tried to kick the small man keeping me from running down the man with Ben. He pulled me and somehow managed to push me through a door on the other side of the room. "BEN!" Tears began to burn my eyes. "BENJAMIN!" I shouted as I saw the boys face, red and wet, crying for his Mum, one last time before there was a door slammed in my face, and I was left in a small room, alone.

"NO!" I screamed.

My heart skipped yet another beat. My head started to turn and race as my mind struggled to sort out everything. My vision blurred for a second and I began to shake.

_What had I just let happen?_

I rattled the door handle, trying viciously to get back out to Ben.

"BEN!" I yelled, as if screaming his name would bring him back to me.

I turned around, hoping there would be another door that led out of the room. Nothing.

_I was trapped. _

My heart sank deeper.

I took in a shaky breath, struggling to get a hold of myself again. But the grip wasn't tight enough to hold me very long. Tears started to pour out. I covered my face with my hands and rubbed my eyes harshly, trying to claw my way back into the real world.

I let the breath that I was absentmindedly holding out in jerks.

_Thought you felt like a failure of a mother then? How about now?_

I hated to face it, but it was true. Ben was with some stranger, and I had let it happen.

I found myself enraged at myself. How could I let them take him so easily? Why didn't we just walk out of the door?

"Wot have I done?" I sighed out loud leaning up against the blank wall, sliding down onto the floor, and covering my wet face with my hands.

In the silence, the words that the man taking Ben away from me said finally became clear-

"We don't take any nonsense here, Mrs. Lovett. You'll learn this soon or be out on the streets,"

I wish I had known then that being out on the streets would have been the better option...

**I gotta say, this chapter and the ones that follow were pretty fun to write. I did a crud load of research on workhouses and stuff like that, so hopefully its at least mildly accurate. =)**

**Anyway, one of the reasons I took so long to update was that I wanted to finish another poster before I posted this chapter, so to make the wait worth it go to my profile and check on the 6****th**** link under forgotten memories!**

**Thanks everyone for sticking in there and reading!**

**Don't forget to let me know what you think!**


	11. CH11 The Dining Hall

**Yeah, I know it sucks. I haven't updated in forever. **

**Well, here it is. **

**Chapter 11- The dining hall **

I don't know how long I was kept in that small, blank room. It could have been a couple of hours, it could have been days; it was too impossible to keep track of time. I figured this must be the receiving ward. When I was interviewed for admission, they said I would spend up to a few days in here. What they failed to mention is that there was a separate one for children.

For all the time I was kept in there I never stopped thinking about Ben. I hoped he wasn't being kept prisoner like I was.

That's truly how it felt, like I was being kept in prison for a crime that I didn't commit.

This must be how Mr. Barker has felt everyday of his life for the past two years. What a horrible punishment for someone who hasn't done anything…

_I still miss him dreadfully…_

When the only door in the room finally unlocked, the short fat man walked in. He was just about to say something but I jumped up from where I was still leaning up against the wall and interrupted him, "Where's Ben?"

He sighed and glared at me. "He's with the Medical Officer."

My mind began to race. Was he hurt or sick? Was there something wrong that I didn't know about? "Why? Why is he with the Medical Officer?" I asked, panic apparent in my voice.

The man sighed again. Then spoke as if he was dealing with a small child and not a grown women just worrying about her boy. "Don't worry ma'am. All new paupers are examined by the Medical Officer for illness. When the Medical Officer is done with your son, he will be coming here to check you,"

This calmed me a little. Not a lot, just a little.

In the course of the next few hours I was searched and checked by the Medical Officer. After being cleared by him and being placed in the "Able-bodied women, and girls above 16." category (as if that wasn't apparent), the short fat man brought me to another room. Inside the room was nothing more then a few nails jutting out of the wall and a tub filled with slightly steaming water.

"Please wash yourself," He said very bluntly. "When you or finished or when the water gets too cold change into this," He handed me a bundled up pile of what I presumed to be a dress that I hadn't noticed him carrying before.

_Ugh, I didn't know we had to wear a uniform too. _

"When you are through, leave your cloths that you wear now in this room on that hook," He pointed to the nails. "These will be returned to you upon your discharge out of the workhouse. And then come back out to the larger room where someone will lead you to your ward. Under rules I'm suppose to supervise you, but frankly, I don't care to," He told me as he pushed me in the room and closed the door.

"That's alwright," I whispered, "I wouldn't undress in front of you anyway,"

As I settled into the lukewarm water of the tub, I found myself relaxed for the first time in what seemed like forever.

I took a deep breath and sunk deeper into the water. Closing my eyes and taking in the smell of the water relaxed me further. For a moment, I was almost able to forget about the horrible place I seemed to find myself in and stop worrying about Ben… and I found myself almost falling asleep, sinking below the water.

But I caught myself and sat up all the way. I couldn't let myself fall asleep, not here, not now. Even though I hadn't gotten any sleep since we arrived and I was just now discovering how tiered I actually was.

When I was finished I dressed into the horrid pile of clothing that the fat man had given me. I hadn't even realized how ugly it was until I had put it on. The whole thing was completely shapeless with a pattern of faded and washed out blue vertical stripes on a dirty off-white colored background. On top of it all there was a bonnet - that I didn't plan on putting on.

When I was all dressed I walked out into the room like I was instructed to do, but there was no one to be seen anywhere. I looked around and sighed.

_They really must care for us here._

Across the room was a window. I walked myself over to it and proceed to try and put my hair up in it's usual fashion; out of the way on top of my head. I was just about to get it just right when the fat man appeared behind me and grabbed me by the shoulder. He pulled me away from the window.

"We don't have time for this," He mumbled. I was unhappy as we backed away from the window to see my long curly hair fall on my shoulders. "Put the bonnet on," He instructed me, pulling me to a door across the room. I frowned but obeyed, not happy with it in the least bit.

He brought me down a hallway, talking to me all the way. "This is the women's ward," He informed me. "Right now it is after 5:30 pm and everyone is working until the supper bell rings." He opened the door to a rather small room, only about 20 feet wide and long with what seemed like 50 beds stuffed into it. The walls were identical to the rest of the building's walls I'd seen so far; grey and plain.

On the floor of the room were about 20 women, all scrubbing away viciously at what seemed to be a perfectly clean floor. "This is where you will be working tonight," The fat man informed me. I frowned even deeper. All of the women, varying in age, were wearing the same apparel that I was and when the man spoke, they didn't even dare look up from their scrubbing.

_Cleaning. Not something that I particularly enjoy doing. _

"Well, get to work Mrs. Lovett," He urged me, pushing me a little bit. I stayed back, still a little shocked by the silence in the room. All of the women seemed to be brainwashed. Not me, that's not what I want to turn into.

"Mrs. Lovett," Just as it appeared that the man was getting to be severely angry, there was a loud bell sound and all the women in the room stopped their scrubbing, set their brushes in pales of water, and filed out of the room with their pales in complete silence. I just stood there, completely speechless.

"Well, it seems the fates are favoring you. That was the supper bell, follow the rest of the women into the dining hall," The voice coming from the man urged me.

I took a deep breath and proceeded to follow the mute crowd of women. When we got to the dining hall, I was confronted with about 50 long, narrow tables, all lined up with small stools placed behind them. All of the women sat down. I followed and sat in the chair next to the last women in line. Still no one spoke. The silence bothered me to no end.

The master of the workhouse, the tall skinny man I had seen before, stood up at the front of the group. After a prayer, the master instructed us to go serve ourselves food. I hadn't realized how hungry I was until then. Then I remember that it had actually been a long time since I ate a proper meal, even at home. It wasn't until after I was served that I realized that I wasn't about to get any proper meal here either. All my serving was was a small piece of bread and cheese. Plain, predictable, and not very filling.

All the time I was eating I kept one eye open for Benjamin. I mean, they said I could see him during meals, correct?

After I had eaten all of my food (and realized that seconds were prohibited) I saw him. A young girl, no older then 14, all the way across the room was carrying Ben in her arms. It had seemed like it had been so long since I'd seen him last. I stood up and tried my best to remain silent as I made my way over to him.

But I was stopped as the tall skinny man stepped in my path. "And where do you think you're going?" He asked loudly, his booming voice echoing in the silent room.

"To see my son," I mumbled, trying to seem as weak and helpless as possible thinking perhaps he'd feel bad for me.

"There is no moving around or speaking while we are in the dining hall," He said. I heard a few chuckles from the crowd. They were laughing at me.

"But, my son. I haven' seen him in so long," I added, becoming angry.

"I'm sorry ma'am," He said, pushing me back toward my seat.

"No!" I pushed back without really thinking about it. "I want to see him! Benjamin!" I called out, my own voice echoing. Everyone was staring. Ben heard me calling and looked in my direction. His face, which seemed to still be wet with tears, lit up. He smiled at the sight of me.

"You said I could see him at meal times." I added

"I said you could see him, yes. You see him, now please return to your seat with the rest of the women. I'm sorry," He responded, his voice rising with anger. The tall man pushed me harder, almost sending me sprawling on the ground.

"Oh, yes. You're truly sorry, is this why you won't let me even talk to him? Because you're so sorry about it?" I knew what I was saying didn't really make much sense, but I felt that perhaps saying something back would make me seem strong.

All of the sudden, I felt another quick smack across my cheek, this time the force enough to knock me off my feet. I sprawled out on the floor and my vision blurred for a minute. I tried to stand back up but couldn't seem to. What had he hit me with? The pain spread through my whole face, burning like a fire and bringing a tear to my eye; not that I'd let him see it.

"Now, ma'am. I suggest that you get back in your seat, or spend the next three weeks in solitary confinement," The tall man threatened through clenched teeth, towering over me. I heard Ben crying in the background. The man spun around and spoke to the girl who I supposed was the one carrying Ben. "Stephanie! Quiet the child!" He screamed at the top of his lungs. He turned back to me.

"Now get up," He commanded, kicking me quite hard in the ribs.

I stumbled up, my face and side stinging. I glanced back one last time at Ben. The girl rocking him looked me in the eyes with a very concerned look. When she saw that I was looking back at her she quickly changed her expression to one that said, "Don't worry ma'am, I'll take good care of him," I felt a little better knowing that some older child had taken him in. I was still watching when the girl took Ben, and another boy around the age of Ben with the same brown curly hair, out of the dining hall, Ben still crying for him Mum.

**Reviews are encouraged and encouraging =)**

**Thanks for reading!**


	12. CH12 Making Friends

**Hey! Yay I'm updating! I'm gonna try and do this every weekend now, just to keep things consistent. **

**Chapter 12-Making friends **

I examined the side of my face in a piece of silverware. Already there was a large purple bruise where the tall man had hit me with I-still-don't-know-what.

I was so wrapped up in pity for my face that I had hardly noticed that a bell had rung and the group of women had left. I stood up, tried not to look any more foolish then I already did, and struggled to find my way back to the dormitory where I was to sleep. I almost got lost on the way there, but somehow managed to find my direction.

When I got to the room, the women were all sitting on the beds chatting. I was a little taken back by the conversations that the usually silent women were now having. When I walked in a few heads turned toward me. I stopped at the front of the room, a little lost at what I should do next.

"It was pretty naïve wot yah did in there," Someone said to me. My head snapped in the direction of the voice. An older woman, around 15 or 20 years older than me had spoken. She had short, wild brown-gray hair that was barely tamed by her bonnet, and a very tiered looking face.

"But brave," said another voice. This one from who seemed to be the youngest in the room. The girl, perhaps only 16 sat on the bed next to the older women, her long, perfectly straight black hair falling down her back and her big brown eyes looking at me as if I was the most amazing person in the room.

I just stood there, not really sure what to say. "Wot's the matter? Don' you speak?" The older women asked. I nodded and then opened my mouth to say something. It wasn't until then that I realized how much it hurt the bruise on my face to even simply move my jaw. I took in a deep breath, tried to show some strength and said, " 'eah, I do,"

"Good," the younger girl said. She motioned to the back of the room where some women laid in beds, just staring at the ceiling and others at the wall. "Some of us have forgotten how to," She added, sadness in her voice.

"I hardly knew we were permitted to," I managed to a say, simply glad that someone had struck up a conversation with me. Glad that I wasn't one of the girls staring at the corner of the room so mute.

"Yeah. We're lucky though. Some workhouses never let the paupers speak. We're lucky. We get mornings and evenings." Said the older women.

_Yes, we seem lucky._

I wanted to say, but the pain in my cheek seemed to catch up to me before any sound escaped my throat. I sighed and touched it with my hand, closing my eyes to stop the automatic stinging tears from coming.

"Are you alright?" The teenager added.

I mustered a smile through the pain. "Of course," I said.

"Yah don' have to try and act tough around us. If that bruise hurts half as bad as looks, yah're not alright," The older women said as she stood up and tore a small piece of fabric off of the small sheet that covered the bed. She walked across the room and turned on a faucet that was very much randomly sticking out of the wall, "Don' tell the headmaster we found this," The women said with a smirk. She ran the cloth under the water and then walked over and kindly handed it to me. "Now, come sit 'er down," She urged me over to the small bed where she sat before.

I uncomfortably sat next to her, not use to living with anyone but Ben.

"Was that you're boy out there? Crying in the dining hall?" Asked the black haired girl, full of wonder.

I held the cold rag to the bruise on my face and nodded. "Yes, that was Benjamin," Saying his name only made me miss him more.

"You're lucky," The old women said.

There's that word again, lucky. I don't feel lucky...

"One of them older children took 'im in. Ones that don' get taken in usually sleep on the floor. Tend to get diseased," She continued nodding to the younger girl.

"Disease?" I asked. Nobody had told me about disease when I applied here!

"Mostly scarlet fever," She said a little too calm for my likings.

"And measles," The younger girl added. I frowned. I never in a million years would have moved us here if I knew of such disease!

"Well then we should leave! I'll go! I'll go file me leavings now!" I said, standing up. The older women stopped me.

"It's alright dear. It's rare, very rare."

"And your boy, he's got Stephanie. She's one of the best. Has a heart for the kids, she does; Likes taking in two or three at a time. Good job she does with 'em too. I pity the day she grows old enough to move in with us," The younger girl pointed out. The confidence and sureness in her voice made me feel better. Not a lot, just better enough to sit down and relax. I was exhausted anyway. I sighed.

"If you don't mind me asken'," Said the younger girl. "what'd yah call yourself?"

I was a little thrown off by the question, I don't know why, I just was. "Nellie. Nellie Lovett," I answered.

"Lovett," The girl repeated. "I like that name. I'm Juliet, and that's Elizabeth," Juliet said pointing to the older women. Elizabeth nodded.

"Pleasure to have yah here Nellie; Maybe not for you, but it's always nice to have a new face. As naïve as some can get,"

I smiled. It hurt, but I did it anyway.

I had made friends.

I'd never really had friends, not in school or anywhere. The Barkers were the closest to friends I had ever had. But this here, this was nice.

Suddenly, the door to the room burst open and the skinny man walked in. "LIGHTS OUT!" He screamed, blowing out a candle next to him. Everyone in the room proceeded to grab a candle and blow it out, except me; I just sat there confused.

"Already?" I asked in shock. "But it can't be but eight pm,"

Juliet nodded as she blew out her candle. "Ah, but it is. And that's the time for lights out."

I stood up off of Elizabeth's bed for her and took a look around. All beds were taken, some even by two people. I sighed. The whole room fell silent. "Here," I heard a whisper. Juliet? "Nellie, take my bed. I'll sleep next to Rosaline, we're both tiny slips of a thing anyway,"

I smiled at Juliet's offer as I struggled to find the empty bed in the dark. I lay down and relaxed for what seemed to be the first time in years. Not that it helped any; I wasn't able to get much sleep.

**Thanks for reading!**

**Random fun fact- When I wrote this I was reading Romeo and Juliet in school (Where is where I got the name Juliet, obviously) and now as I post it, I'm in my school's production of Romeo and Juliet. =)**


	13. CH13 Have a Good Day

**Yeah, I said I'd update every weekend...Tuesday is close enough to count as a weekend, right? **

**Well, anyway, here it is!**

**Chapter 13- Have a good day **

I was awakened by the sound of a bell that was begging to become all too familiar. Surprised by the sudden wake up, my heart raced as I shot up in bed. It took a minute for my eyes to adjust in the dim amount of sun-light coming through the dingy windows as I remembered where I was waking up in.

_Oh, slightly depressing. _

I sighed and lay back down.

"Nellie," I heard a voice whisper. It scared me a little bit in my half-asleep state. I moaned, not wanting to be awake.

"It's five, you be'er get up," 5 Am? Too early. Before we left for here, I intentionally didn't open up the pie shop as early as everyone else opened up their shops simply for the fact that I enjoyed sleeping in. I didn't move.

The only reason I had gotten any sleep last night is because I hadn't slept in days, or so it seemed. But the rock hard mattress, lack of a pillow, and thin sheets made it so I only got a couple of hours.

"Nellie! Get up! Role is soon," The voice, I believe it was Juliet, whispered.

"You'd think that after wot happened at supper last night she wouldn't be so naïve," said a harsh voice that I didn't recognize.

I thought for a second about finding out who said this and standing up to defend myself. Then again, I suppose she was right.

So I unhappily swung my feet over the edge of the uncomfortable bed and somehow managed to stand up.

Just in time too. The skinny revolting man (who seemed to pinpoint me) came bursting through the door. The sound sent all of the women standing at the edge of their beds. I figured I should too if I didn't want another strike on my still purple cheek.

"ANNE SMITH!" He called out with his ear-shattering voice.

"Present," Someone said.

"ELLE FORD!"

"Present!"

He went down the line calling name after name, past Elizabeth's and Juliet's. I was the last on the list.

"ELEANOR LOVETT" He called.

" 'ere," I called back. He glared at me as a few girls in the room giggled.

"Oh, present," I corrected, placing a huge smile on my face even though it hurt.

I was afraid for a second that the man would come hit me again, but he just slammed the book he was holding shut and growled, "Breakfast is in fifteen minutes," He turned and walked away.

"Nellie, you gotta start behavin' yourself," I heard Elizabeth say behind me. I turned around to see her already sitting back down on her bed.

"It's not like I'm lookin' to be beat," I admitted. I don't think she believed me. "Obeying by someone else's rules just don't suit me, I suppose," I added. Elizabeth looked at me squarely in the eyes like a mother looking at their child.

"You be'er get used to it. And fast."

Juliet yawned and sat besides Elizabeth on her bed.

"Sleep well, love?" Elizabeth asked.

Juliet laughed "Just about as good you can get in such a dreadful place,"

Suddenly, a man, the short fat one that I had met when I first came to the workhouse came rushing into the room. I flinched for a second when I thought he was coming to me.

_Great, now every little thing that passes by is out to get you, eh?_

But he walked straight past me and walked up to a woman at the back of the room; One of the ones that were always staring at the floor or ceiling or the corner of the room.

"Katie Roberts?" He asked. The small red haired girl looked up with her little eyes.

He continued. "Was your son Brody Roberts? About 12 years, long light brown hair?"

_Was?_

She nodded, her face completely blank, her eyes glued on the man. He continued, "He was found dead this morning. Probably scarlet fever. Can you or someone you know afford a burial for him?" The small women's eyes grew big and looked down, still not saying anything.

"Mrs. Roberts?" The fat man asked, getting impatient. She slowly shook her head back and forth as if she didn't know what she was doing. "Well, have a good day then," The man said before turning and leaving.

The whole room had fallen silent, and everyone was watching Katie. She just sat in her bed, her eyes big and unmoving; she looked like she had died herself. Finally she moved. She sat against the back of her bed and hugged her legs to her chest. She buried her blank staring eyes into her knees. And just sat there.

The room was deathy silent, which isn't something I'd really expect after a moment like that.

"Poor thing," Elizabeth whispered after a few minutes and the room had started talking again.

I just sort of sat there, still looking at Katie. "Her son?" I said, in disbelief. "He died and that's all the master does is tell to have a good day and leave?" I finally turned to Elizabeth and Juliet. Juliet nodded.

"Katie's been her longer then I have," Elizabeth said. "She probably hasn't seen her boy in two or more years,"

For a second my mind flashed to my situation. Not my situation with Ben, but with Mr. Barker. "Just because you haven't seen someone in a long time and the fact that they might be dead doesn't make the hurt any better!" I protested standing up.

Juliet looked up at me confused. "Might?"

I ignored her, realizing that my choice in words only worked for my situation. Elizabeth shook her head. "Poor thing," She said again. "Well, let's let her be and get on with our lives." She added.

I shook my head back. "No! She needs a li'le more comfort then 'have a good day'!" I walked over to Katie, who was still curled up on her bed.

I stopped suddenly when I got next to her and noticed that most of the room was staring. Suddenly feeling incredibly anxious, I paused and looked down. The women laying in front of me looked frail and fragile. Granted, she had looked delicate before but the news that she was just given probably just plain broke her. And here she was, now in front of me, in pieces, and I was trying to what…? Comfort her?

The room behind me was suddenly thrown into silence again, and I knew it was because of me. I didn't fully understand why I was so interesting, but the eyes burning through my back kept me from thinking why.

I heard Katie quietly sniff.

"Ms. Roberts?" I asked hoping that she might respond. No such luck, but I continued. "I… I just wanted to say…"

_You know what? You need to start thinking before you act! _I told myself, regret washing over me. Briefly, I was reminded of a time long ago when my father had asked me to go all by myself and buy him some flowers for my mum. Of course, that was a long time ago and I was young. Scared out of my mind to have to actually talk to someone myself in order to get the flowers, I returned home that night without them. That seemed so long ago, it was, so aren't I old enough to be past that by now?

But still standing in front of the dead boys mum, all I could think to do was struggle to swallow the lump that had developed in my throat.

"Well.. I have a li'le boy in the children's ward too… and…" I paused, the lump seeming to block the words that I was trying to get out. I didn't understand why I was so nervous, it's just another person. If I was in this situation, I would want comfort too, right? I held my head high and found words to finish my sentence. "I… just can't imagine losing him… and I just wanted to say… I'm sorry." I took a deep breath and held it in, more worried then I should be now that I had gotten it all out. Katie still did nothing, so I scurried back to my bed, not letting go of my breath until I sat back down.

People started to talk again as soon as I sat down, presumably about me. Elizabeth shook her head again, this time at me.

"I don' regret it," I said firmly and truthfully.

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**Thanks for reading and lots of love. =)**


	14. CH14 Bedtime Story

**=) Here I am again with chapter 14! Enjoy the last chapter of happiness, because soon, things start to get pretty screwed up.**

**Chapter 14-Bedtime Story **

The day has been long and gone slowly. When I finally shuffled back into the sleeping dormitories, at about a quarter to eight, I could barley bend my knees. All of the day had been spent kneeling on the ground scrubbing a seemingly clean floor.

I somehow managed to drag my feet over to my bed and fall down on the rock hard mattress.

I didn't see Elizabeth until she was looming over me. " 'ow was your first day, love?" She asked me. I took a death breath in and let it out in a loud sigh, hopefully answering her question.

"She ain't cut out for this place," Said a harsh voice across the room. Instead of arguing, I silently agreed.

"Don't worry, it gets easier," Juliet said from where she had joined Elizabeth on her bed.

_I sure hope so._

My mind suddenly clicked back to something that had been bothering me all day. I sat up fast "Where's Benjamin!" I asked the two women sitting on the bed across from me.

Elizabeth patted my knee like I was a confused child. "He's in the children's ward deary," I frowned and shook my head.

"I know that. But I couldn't see him in the dining room at any of the meals today!" My voice became frantic and fast. "I saw that girl who cares for him but all she had was that other little boy with her! What do you think's happened? Could he be ill? Or…"

Elizabeth cut me off with a harsh "Shhh! Nellie! 'Oy, relax," I hadn't realized how loud and fast I had begun to speak. Some women in the room were staring at me.

"Then where do you believe he is?" I asked.

Juliet answered my question "Sometimes if a child is too loud or cries too much, the master will simply keep him in the ward so they don't disturb the silence of the dining hall,"

I stood up outraged, despite my sore legs and knees. "He'll starve!" More heads turned to me.

Elizabeth grabbed my hand a pulled me down. "Nellie!" She scolded "You need to learn to not make such a scene,"

"Stephanie will bring him food." Juliet told me as I sat back down. I nodded still not being perfectly ok with the situation. It was silent as I tried to comprehend the idea that Ben was alright.

I noticed something different in the room, that feeling you get when something that's always there but rarely use is missing. So I silently counted the women chatting away to each other around me. One less then what there were yesterday, then I realized, "Where's Katie?" I asked the girls.

"Left," Elizabeth said bluntly.

"Well, why?" I was confused

"Usually if a single parent loses their only child, they check themselves out. They can go home because at home they have no one to support anymore and the small amount of money they made here can hold them over,"

This surprised me a little bit, but made sense.

"Liz!" An older women called softly from across the room. "Come help me with this!" Elizabeth stood up

"Excuse me," She said walking away.

I glanced over at Juliet, who's eyes were narrowing at me. She seemed to be studying me still when she said, "Nellie? All I ever hear about is your boy. Tell me? Do you have a husband?" I looked at her. There was marvel in her eyes. It made me wonder why the girl took such an interest in me.

I ignored the unusualness and took into account that someone actually had curiosity in who I was and what I liked. I smiled at the fact and answered, "No,"

Juliet cocked her head at me and looked slightly confused. Maybe she wanted me to explain, perhaps she was wondering why I was smiling.

"He died about two years ago," I finished. Her jaw dropped as if it was some huge shock. I couldn't see why though, I guess I never really took it as one.

"I'm so sorry," She said, her voice filled with sympathy.

I nodded. It was silent for a second and I think Juliet got the fact that the loss of Albert didn't really hurt me. Perhaps she thought that after the years I had accepted his death. If only she knew that I had never felt much feeling towards it, let alone acceptance.

"Have you had any other love interests?" She asked her face lighting up surprisingly fast.

My mind drifted for a second. My eyes glided up to the corner of the room without me knowing it as I felt a smile spread across. I was thinking of Mr. Barker for the first time in what seemed like weeks but had probably only been a few hours. "Yes," I said almost absentmindedly.

A huge smile spread across Juliet's face. "Really?" She asked in more amazement then I'd expect. "Oh! Do tell!"

My mind had drifted off; in fact, I don't think I even knew I was talking out loud when I said. "Yes…he was… kind and charming and… beautiful," I paused as my mind drifted to Mr. Barker's soft features and kind voice that I seemed to be missing so much now. "He was thoughtful and lovable and… married," I frowned at that as my mind slowly drifted back to the present. I saw Juliet sitting on the bed across from me having a look much like a child when they are being told a bedtime story.

I stopped, not really sure what to say. "Well, tell me more!" She urged

I shook my head. "No, love. That was so long ago… I just…"

"Oh please!" She pleaded "Tell me at least! What happened to him? What was his name!" Juliet asked, eager for the ending to an unfinished story.

I looked down and hung my mouth open, forgetting to close it like I do a lot. I didn't really want to answer the second one. After you know my son's name, I find it almost embarrassing to mention Mr. Barker, and the obvious fact that I named the boy after him. So I simply hoped I could get around it by answering the first question. "He was… transported…" I answered slowly.

Juliet looked confused at me. "Transported? Whatever for?"

"Well, a man… had him sent away." I said. Juliet looked almost as I'm sure I did when I first heard the news.

"Well, why?"

"I…I don't know," I lied. I truly just didn't want to bring Lucy into the conversation. Even though the fact that she was somewhere bumbling on the streets right now, I still saw her as the women who stood in my way of Mr. Barker. He was so blinded by love that he didn't see what was standing right next to him.

"Oh my. Did he commit a crime of some sort?"

I shook my head in defense. "No, no," I told her, "He was a good man," I felt my eyes start to drift again, my voice become soft and my words flowing together in a jumbled mess as I thought about Mr. Barker. I guess I hadn't really realized how much I missed him until now. "Always paid his rent on time. Always said g'morning to me. Took care of me after Albert died,"

"Well what was his name?" Juliet broke my day dream.

"Why does it matter deary?" I asked, struggling to change the subject. Its times like these that I regret ever naming the child after him. There hasn't been many of these moments, but it still kind of made me have that little pinch in my stomach that says _yah knew yah shouldn't have done that, now yah face the consequences, however big or small they are. _But honestly, looking back, and remembering the baby looking up at me when I first held him, any other name but Ben just doesn't seem right. It's a mix of feelings that often makes me confused when I fall asleep thinking about it at night.

It would have been simple and easy to go on with a different subject rather then Mr. Barkers name, but what Juliet said next just sort of made me cave in.

She flashed a huge smile at me and said, "Cause I want to know the name of the man who keeps you smiling like this." Suddenly, I became aware of the larger than life smile that seemed to be glued onto my face. I took a deep breath.

"His name was Barker, Benjamin Barker,"

Juliet smiled big and said very smoothly, "You named the child after him," She awed. I smiled back, less embarrassed then I thought I would be.

**Hope you enjoyed=)**

**Keep your eyes open for the next chapter!**


	15. CH15 Thinking Nothing of it

**So here you are all my loves, a new chappy.**

**Enjoy and this chapter takes place a few months after the last one**

**Chapter 15- Thinking nothing of it **

I've heard it said that when you dream, you get more real rest, and you wake up feeling less tiered during the day. I don't think I believe this. I simply think it depends on what kind of a dream you're having. Of course, the dream I had that night was one that kept me up for hours on end and made me more tired in the morning.

_It was Mr. Barker(Not the first time I've dreamed about him, certainly not the last). I saw him rounding a corner in the streets of London; oh, he looked just as beautiful as the day he left. His face lit up in a smile. His fast walk became a jog as it became clear what he was rushing toward; his home. "Lucy!" He hollered as he bounded up the stairs, taking two or three at a time. "Johanna! I've come home!" He got to the door at the top and of the stairs and jiggled the handle… it's locked. _

_He peeked inside. "Lucy?" He saw the dust and the emptiness. He saw all of his things and possessions missing. "Ello?" Then he just started pounding on the door. His smile faded, he looked to be becoming frantic. Finally, he gave up his pounding and he turned around and wondered what to do. His beautiful features looked forlorn and lost. It broke my heart, even in the absentness of a dream, to see him in such a state. _

_In a moment, his face lit up again and he thudded back down the stairs. He ran to the door just to the left of the stair case. His face was overall an array of emotions. His brows were raised high in hope, his cheeks were flushed red with the cold in a way that makes you just want to reach out and place your hands on them to warm and calm him. He was biting his lip, a weak gesture that I never had seen him actually display before and his eyes were dark with sites of the lost years he was gone printed into them but also moist with confusion for the whereabouts of his family._

"_Mrs. Lovett!" He shouted pounding on the door to my shop too. "Mrs. Lovett? Are you home?" He glanced in there too… and saw nothing but dust again. All of the color remaining in his pale face flooded out of him and disappeared in the cold puddles of a previous rain below. He leaned up against the door and sighed. Tears rolled down his gorgeous face._

I woke up in the middle of the night embarrassingly whispering to myself . "Don't worry Mr. Barker! I'll come for you," In fact when I sat up, Juliet was sitting on my bed giggling at me. I had told her my dream and she suggested that maybe it's because Mr. Barker was back now. That it was some sort of vision, not that I believe in that stuff.

I hope she's wrong, I cannot imagine Mr. Barker going back to the house now; not with no one home and no one there to explain things. It only made me wish more that Ben and I were out of this place.

After our brief coversation, I somehow managed to fall back into a dreamless sleep

* * *

I knew I must have been in the workhouse for at least a couple months because that morning I slept through the wake-up bell.

The first thing I knew in the morning was "ELEANOR LOVETT!" being shouted into my ear.

My eyes shot open as I found the headmaster standing over my bed with a deep scowl on his face. I blinked a few times and whispered, half asleep. "Present?"

He grabbed me by the arm and yanked me out of bed. Then he pulled me close to his face. I was forced to smell his horrid breath as he spat, "See that this does not happen again,"

I scowled back at him, but didn't dare say anything, I knew better then that now. He threw me back down, but not onto the bed. My feet slipped out from under me and I landed hard on the cold cement floor.

All this before I was even really awake.

The breakfast bell rang before I had a chance to ask Juliet or Elizabeth why they hadn't woken me up.

* * *

I thought nothing of it when I saw the older girl who took care of Ben, but not Ben in the dining hall that morning. After…

_How long has it been? How long have we been here? Well, Christmas was about a month ago so…? Three and a half months… or so?_

Well after whatever-amount-of-time we have been here, I had gotten use to Ben not being at meals every once and a while. I now know that what Juliet had said was correct. Whenever he was crying or being too loud (Which apparently was happening a lot more without me around) they would lock him in the ward. He'd be back in the dining hall the next day.

And oh my, how he'd grown. In just two months he seemed to have matured so much, and not entirely in a good way. I never see him smile when I catch a glimpse of him in the dining hall. Not that he has a reason to. I miss his smile, his laugh. The way he seemed to love and trust me so much. Even from the distance I can see how much he misses that too.

As I observed once, he won't even let the girl who cares for him hold him. He simply grasps her hand and doesn't bother to even look up at her…

_I'll get us out of here soon enough Ben_

Sitting down at breakfast that morning, I remembered. Ben wasn't at any of the meals yesterday either.

I thought this strange but shook it off. I probably hadn't seen him at supper yesterday. He'll be back for dinner, right?

But then, he wasn't at dinner. At least not that I saw. Perhaps he's sitting in a new place. Perhaps another older child is caring for him right now.

But as supper rolled around, Ben still wasn't to be seen. For whatever reason… I still thought nothing of it.

_How foolish of me._

When the last bell of the day rang and everyone scurried off to their dormitories, I still thought nothing of it. When I sat down on my bed with Elizabeth and Juliet across from me to talk, I still thought nothing of it.

I hadn't gotten a chance to say anything to the girls before the fat man who I hadn't seen since he had talked to Katie all those months ago came into the room and said very loudly, "MRS. LOVETT?"

I gave Elizabeth and Juliet a look before standing up. I whispered half sarcastically, "Why didn' you wake me up this morning? Now look what you've gotten me into!"

Juliet smirked before I turned around and walked to the front of the room to see what the short fat man wanted.

I should've been more worried.

I should've thought more of it.

Especially when I saw the pudgy man standing at the front of the women's ward calling my name.

I shouldn't have figured that he was coming to give me a lashing for what had happened this morning.

I shouldn't of.

I should've known.

**O.o**


	16. CH16 My Boy

**Here I am! Updating! Have a nice read, my loves.**

**Oh, and thanks to xBadxRomancesx for always reveiwing! They always brighten my day!**

**Chapter 16- **_**My boy**_

I walked straight up to the fat vile man, closed my eyes, and stood up straight, waiting to get the lashing that I didn't think I deserved.

But instead, all that came was a harsh voice. But not scolding me, saying, "Mrs. Lovett? Your son was Benjamin Lovett? Curly brown hair, under two years of age?"

I opened my eyes, having not gotten the treatment I was expecting. My body relaxing a little, I put my hands on my hips and my eyes drifted to the door behind the man.

_Oh no, what had Ben done to rouse the annoying man to bother me? ...Perhaps…I could see him? _

"Yes," I answered, not truly caring. For what were the chances that I would be allowed see him, no matter what he'd done?

I don't know where my mind had been.

I can't believe I didn't see it coming.

"He was found dead in the children's ward this morning,"

At first, I didn't think I had heard him correctly. I turned back to him, narrowed my eyes and without hardly opening my mouth said, "Wot?"

The next words he spoke made the lump in my throat grow so it seemed I could hardly breathe. "Probably scarlet fever."

All it seemed I could choke out again was, "Wot?" This time, my voiced cracked. My mind still didn't seem to comprehend the words that he was saying.

It still hadn't caught up to him when he said, "Can you or anyone you know afford a funeral for him?"

Without thinking about it too much I shouted defensively, "Why do you think I'm in this place?"

The horrid man simply frowned at me and said, "Alright, good day then," He spun on his heel and left, leaving me alone at the front of the room.

My eyes slowly drifted to the floor as the words he had said sank into my head. I felt my forehead wrinkle with so many conflicting emotions. Confusion? Belief? Disbelief? Anger? Sadness?

My hands slipped off of my hips as my muscles seemed to melt and my breath flowed out of me. Suddenly, I was empty; Hollow. Purposeless.

There was a tap on my shoulder. I didn't flinch. "Nellie?" It was Juliet. I turned around, my face blank, my mouth hanging open slightly.

I was confused. Confused for no reason. Could the words he said be any more clear? Yet, I still just stood there.

"Come on," Juliet said, leading me over to my mattress. I sat on the mattress and continued to stare into space. My thoughts were all buzzing so fast that all it made out to be was nothing. Like if you were to write an array of sentences on the same paper in the same place enough times, you wouldn't be able to read anything anymore. I guess that's how you could explain the thoughts in my head at that moment.

"Wot's the matter?" Elizabeth asked

There was a pause. Juliet whispered, "Her boy,"

_My boy_

I think that's when the words finally sank in. They played over and over in my head like some deadly echo. _"He was found dead in the children's ward this morning, probably scarlet fever_,"

I closed my eyes that were too sad to let tears fall and let a sob escape my dry mouth that I suddenly noticed was gasping for air at an alarming rate. I felt worthless and weightless and empty. Really. Its hard to find any other way to put it.

_Empty_

Juliet came behind me and wrapped her arms around my waist. But I couldn't feel her. All the blood in my body seemed to have ran numb.

I thought back to the red haired mum who's son died. I hadn't thought that it would of ever been me…

Is it me? Is Ben really gone? Perhaps I'm dreaming.

_Goodness I hope so._

Lights out came without me hardly knowing, me being caught up in my empty thoughts. But suddenly I realized, I was left in the pitch dark room, all alone, with my thoughts racing a mile a minute.

My mind finally registered something-something foolish now that I think about it- I was still sitting on the edge of the bed at an incredibly sore angle. My back hunched over too far, making my shoulders stick out like sparrows wings, my neck bent, and my face hidden in my hands though tears had yet to fall. Yet I didn't want to move. When the master had come in to announce lights out, he had ordered me to lie down. Yet here I still was. Frozen. Not frozen…I was shaking. Shaking because there didn't seem to be anything else to do. I was drained… and moving would just be too much work for something so useless.

Yet, I somehow managed to find the energy, sat up in bed, and hugged my knees to my chest. I looked around the dark room and finally tried to sort my jumbled thoughts.

Ben wasn't at any meals yesterday, or today… not because he was crying or loud… because he was sick… or _dead._

The thought hit me like a brick and for a second I think I forgot to breath, not on purpose, I just did.

_My boy. My child. My life…gone?_

My eyes burned, but didn't cry. How could I not cry? I guess I simply didn't believe it.

_It's true Nellie, believe it. You brought it upon yourself. You knew you could never support a child. You knew you weren't fit to be a mum. It's your own fault you're in here. It's your own fault Ben is…_

I tried to stop the thought but it came to fast.

…_dead_

Ben is dead. And it's my fault. All _my _fault. My boy will never grow up and it's _my _fault. I'll never get to see him again and it's all _my _fault.

Ben is dead…

The rest of my energy flooded out of me and my head fell to the side as I struggled to keep another exasperating sob from escaping my throat. Ache racked my throat and stomach as I fought to keep my emptiness and guilt silent.

I couldn't bring my mind to picture his little face like I always use to know it. So happy, so bright, so eager.

Yet, I _could _bring my mind to imagine him in the last few days. Sick…pale...coughing…dying….without me.

_It can't be true._

_It can't be true. I know it isn't. They are wrong. They have to be. I have to see for myself. Ben is alright, he has to be. He'll be at breakfast tomorrow. I know it. _

I pulled up my head and struggled to overcome my anxiety. Although I wasn't crying, my body still shook and my breathing only came out in gasps.

_He's __not__ dead. HES NOT! _

I resisted the urge to scream it. To make everyone in the room believe what I believed.

_They were wrong. They're always bloody wrong…_

_Listen to yourself! Nothing you're saying even makes any sense! You wait. Love, just wait. When you see Ben at breakfast tomorrow, you'll know he's ok. For now, get some rest, you need it._

I fell asleep, reassuring myself, repeatedly mouthing over and over, slowly, "He's not gone, it's not true. He's not gone… it's not true…"

**Reviews are hugs. Which I think at least Mrs. Lovett needs right now…**


	17. CH17 Denial

**So sorry it took so long to update my loves! Our fall play was last weekend, Romeo and Juliet, so I was busy all day doing that. But that's over and I'm back so…**

**Chapter 17- Denial **

I woke up before the morning bell even rang.

Sleep wasn't exactly what I'd like to call sleep. It was in and out. Dreamless. And really all I saw behind my eyes was the dark silhouettes of the beds across the room that had been burned into my vision from staring for so long.

I was awaken by the scream of a young child, though whether that was in my dream or from another room in the workhouse, I wasn't sure. But it was enough to wake me up completely.

The first thing that I noticed in the dark is that I was shivering. The room was cold and I hadn't put on a sheet before I had drifted to sleep. As little as the sheet usually helped, it was something.

I didn't bother to do anything about it. I simply stared into the dim light of the room and prayed for breakfast to come soon.

_I need to see Ben._

_I need to…_

It's dreadful how when you want time to go quickly it just drags on and on.

I was still awake when the bell rang for everyone else to get up. I really didn't want to talk to anyone, so I turned to my side with my back to Elizabeth's bed, hoping that would hint that I wasn't in the mood for chatting.

It took all of the small amount of energy I had to stand up and whisper, "Present," for role. I glanced over at Juliet for a moment while I was up waiting for my name to be called, and the look on her face made me feel guilty that I wasn't speaking to her. Her young face looked so…concerned; so worried. For me. I think the wide eyes and the mouthing of 'Are you alright' was the only thing that kept me from bursting out into tears in anticipation for the breakfast bell to ring. Knowing that someone cares for me… just matters.

I still didn't want to talk though, so I laid back down and let thoughts fill my mind

_I need to see Ben…_

I didn't know that Juliet was standing there until I felt her tap me on the shoulder, "Nellie?" I didn't move, didn't speak. She continued, fumbling for words, "I'm sorry about your boy. I… I can't even imagine because if…"

I cut her off, still not facing her, "Ben's not gone," I corrected her almost absent mindedly. "He'll be at breakfast, I know it. He's not gone." Saying it out loud seemed to help me believe it. It was silent, but I know Juliet was still standing next to my bed, speechless at what I had just protested.

I cared that she worried, truly I did, but I suppose I just didn't… communicate it well.

"Yes… Yes of course," She said finally and I heard her shuffle back to Elizabeth's bed.

What she said next might of made me angry had I not known in the back of my mind that it was true. She whispered to Elizabeth, "Denial,"

When the breakfast bell finally rang I was the first out of my bed and the first to be staring down the hallway to the dining room.

Perhaps it was the fact that I had gotten up too fast. Perhaps it was the fact that I was now staring down the last stretch to finding out about Ben, but I got dizzy and had to stop walking. But I felt a push from an rudely eager person behind me. So I swallowed the lump in my throat. As I felt my heart skip a beat, I started to walk slowly down the hallway.

_The last stretch. After this there can be no more denial. _

That didn't keep me from mouthing as we walked, "He's not gone… it's not true. He's not gone… it's not true."

When I got into the silent room, I was suddenly flooded with the fact that I might not be able to face the truth. Instead of immediately looking at the back of the room where the children sit, I found myself not being able to look at all. I sat down in my seat at the front of the room and put my head down.

Perhaps I could go the rest of my life without figuring if Ben was really gone or not. I could never turn around to look for him, and live every day of my life not really knowing. Yes, then I'd never have to face the fact…

But no! Because if he is alive, I need to know. I need to know he'll be there… or not be there… when I go to check us out.

_You're going to have to turn around, one time or another. _

The prayer was said and the headmaster called for to go serve ourselves. I didn't get up though, I felt sick to my stomach.

_Turn around Nellie, it's now or never._

If he's alive, I swear I'll check us out of here right now. Right now we'll leave this place. Back to our home. We'll find a way to get along, we will. No more scares like this.

And if he's dead… well I'm not thinking about that because he's not gone…right?

_Turn around Nellie, it's now or never. _

What if he's gone? How will I go on? I'll have to, but oh… I don't think I could.

I closed my eyes and took in a deep breath. I had hardly realized it, but my heart was racing, my head was spinning, and my stomach was turning. The anticipation seemed to be killing me slowly inside.

_Turn around Nellie, it's now or never… really._

I took in another deep breath and swallowed hard. A chill ran down my back as I tried to get my muscles to work so I could turn around.

Finally, I did.

My eyes darted around in search for the tall girl who took care of Ben and the other boy. What was her name? Ugh…what was her name? Stephanie? Yes, Stephanie was her name.

_Find Ben. Find Ben. Find Ben._

I swallowed hard, even though my mouth was completely dry.

_What if I can't even find the girl?_

My eyes fell upon her. The tall girl with the less then perfect posture and frizzy light brown hair. Stephanie. She was so far across the room today? Why? Perhaps she…

_No! Focus on the task at hand._

_Find Ben. Find Ben. Find Ben. _

_Stephanie. He'll be next to Stephanie. Holding on. Holding her hand._

The children were so far away. Why? I guess I'll never know. But I saw Stephanie…

_And… a little boy? Yes!_

_Curly brown hair? Yes!_

Oh, but they were so far away, I couldn't tell if the curly brown hair was Ben's or the other boys. It didn't help any that the his back was facing me. Why did the dining room have to be so large? It never seemed this large before. I figure it didn't help that my mind was spinning so fast and I was so exhausted.

_If it is the other little boy, does that mean that Ben is…?_

I tried not to think about that and focused my energy on whether the boy across the room was Ben or not first.

All I could see was Stephanie. She looked in my direction. Her face… it was red. Still moist with fresh tears. Something for sure has happened…

She looked down at the boy… Ben or not! I need to figure it out or I fear I'll be leaving this place but only because they're taking me to bedlam!

I just about got up and rushed across the room to find out myself… but then my question was answered for me…

The little curly brown haired boy reached up his arms for Stephanie… and she picked him up. And he hugged her, he wanted to be in her arms.

_As I observed once, he won't even let the girl who cares for him hold him. He simply grasps her hand and doesn't bother to even look up at her…_

And I remembered… Ben didn't...

**... Hello? Many silent readers? Yeah, in the words of Taylor Swift "SPEAK NOW!" Let me know what you think!**

**Thanks for reading!**


	18. CH18 Home

**Here loves =)**

**Chapter 18- Home **

I didn't cry. They taught us here not to. They taught us that crying over anything would be a lashing. They drill that into your head and that's all you know for the rest of your life. Not that I had any energy to cry. Nor had I wanted to. Nor had it seemed I had any tears left.

There's just this thing…this feeling… when you lose a loved one. Especially a child… it just can't be explained. Except for maybe, empty. Just plain empty. And you feel it everywhere. Your chest, your stomach, your mind, your thoughts are empty, your expressions and movements are empty. Your life is empty.

The rest of that day had been awful. There has never been a worse, or longer for that matter, day in my entire life. All I wanted was it just to end. Strangely, I didn't feel any better when it did.

I didn't sleep that night. I don't think I could of even if I had wanted to. All night I just sat in bed staring at the wall across the room. I don't think I blinked for hours on end. I wish I could of slept, perhaps that could of gotten my mind off of things for maybe two seconds.

You see, in life you make up plans with people. You have plans, more or less dreams, and the people in your life are always there in your dreams. You never think of the people in your life just one day disappearing. But sometimes, they do. And suddenly all your plans and dreams… they change.

Dreams of one day getting out of here and holding his hand as he eagerly walks by himself back to the pie shop.

Dreams of unlocking the door to the shop and letting the little boy laugh and smile at the fact that we are finally home.

Dreams of watching him grow up and learn and dreams of how little or how much he could possibly look like me.

Dreams of him someday taking care of his old Mum.

Dreams that are all lost in a millisecond.

Dreams that ended as soon as the girl held that child.

Lying there in bed I found myself still hoping that this was all a nightmare. That tomorrow would come with all of the dreams still alive.

But it didn't

Tomorrow came alright, but it was no better then the day before. It was a dreary morning. I could hear the wind howling outside and see the snow pounding against the windows. Strange how the weather likes to sometimes match your mood.

"Nellie. Deary, did you get any sleep last night?" Were the first words I heard come from the direction of Elizabeth's bed in the morning. I didn't say anything. I don't even remember if I shook my head or not.

To make matters worse, she had to go and say, "He's not coming back. You know this now, right?"

For a second, anger flooded over me and all I wanted to do was strangle Elizabeth for saying such a thing and confirming that, indeed, none of this was a nightmare. But my senses soon caught up. I just closed my eyes and nodded.

Then I stood up. I walked straight for the door. Elizabeth didn't say a word, or try and stop me. I have a feeling that she knew what I was going to do.

I dragged my feet down the hallway, half in a daze. When I got to the door at the end, I was just about run down by the tall and skinny headmaster, leaving the office to go call role.

"Mrs. Lovett," He said to me. I didn't look him in the eyes. "And what are you doing out of your dormitory before the breakfast bell?" He asked, his voice harsh and obviously uncaring for the hopeless look on my face.

I struggled for words, realizing that I hadn't used them in a while. Finally, I choked "Filing me leavin's,"

He huffed for no apparent reason and continued to the dormitories. I walked in the office to see the short fat man resting his feet on the desk. When I walked in he quickly found his posture and sat up straight in the chair.

He cleared his throat, "May I help you?"

Not sure what else to do I repeated the words that I had just said to the headmaster, my voice so monotone and meaningless, "I'm here to file me leavin's,"

He nodded, "Alright. You sit, I'll go get the paperwork," And he left the room.

I would have had no problem with sitting though there didn't seem to be any other chair in the room.

I caught a glimpse of myself in a mirror hanging on the wall. I was immediately appalled at my appearance. My face was even paler then I thought it could ever get. All except for my eyes which appeared to be sunken into my head. My eyes were also red and blood-shot, something that was inevitable, despite the fact that I never shed a tear. My mouth was a crack open; I didn't bother to try and close it. My hair was down on my shoulders with the bonnet hardly hanging onto my head. My frown deepened.

This is what life has done to me.

The short fat man entered the room again and set what seemed to be millions of papers on his desk, all ready for me to oh-so happily sit down and fill out. I should have seen it coming, some people even choose staying in the workhouse over filling all of this out, I didn't blame them…

" 'ere you are," The fat man said before leaving the room again without telling me why.

Despite the amount, I filled it out with ease. All it was simple things, asking me how long I had been there, why I had entered, if I had any family leaving with me…

I was just about finished with the fifth page when the tall headmaster entered the room. He looked at me, making me feel uneasy. It still made me jump when he said, "You're suppose to be able to leave three hours after you fill out the paperwork. But it's a storm out there, it is. I advise you stick around until it clears,"

I hadn't wanted to stay in this place any longer then I had to, but he was right. Walking around in a snow storm with nothing but a dress would not only be freezing, but I also doubt I'd be able to find my way home.

So it wasn't till night that I hugged Juliet and Elizabeth goodbye. Both their faces so forlorn, as if I was being sentenced to death, I'd say. It made my heart ache to leave them…but I couldn't stay. It just wouldn't work that way.

So I ignored their teary ears and their tight grips on my hands that didn't want to let go, and silently said goodbye. Words weren't needed in my part, they already knew everything that had to be known.

Elizabeth told me to take care. And Juliet cried as she whispered. "I'll miss you Nellie,"

Before I knew it, I was walking out of the front door of the horrid place that had taken my complexion, my energy, and my son.

And I was facing a dark street in the middle of London, alone. The only thing that remotely made me feel better was the foolish fact that I again had my favorite dress on.

I honestly wasn't sure where to go for a second. It seemed to be years since I last got a gulp of fresh air and walked on the streets, now covered with ankle high snow.

It vaguely reminded me of that night where I had got lost on the London streets so many years ago. Where I had stayed out all night in the rain and gotten sick... _Thought…thought _I had gotten sick.

At the time, wondering in the streets, it didn't seem I could have been any lower…

Oh, how I was ever wrong.

Soon, I had gathered my bearings and was able to navigate my way in the general direction of Fleet Street. When I saw the faded letters of the pie shop, I was almost in tears.

_Home._

I pulled the keys out of the bundle with all the other items we had taken with us, where they had been sense Ben and I had left the shop. Before unlocking the door, I looked up at the window above the shop, slightly happy to be back in an old habit. The blank windows of the old barber shop made getting here all worth the while.

After fumbling with the keys in my numb, shivering hands, and unlocking the door, I walked into the musty smelling pie shop. The whole place was a bitter cold, and I didn't have anything to burn in the fireplace, but I didn't care.

I _would _have been so happy to see the pie shop

I _would _have bee so glad to see the cheery wallpaper and smell the smell of flour.

I _would _have been so pleased to go into my bedroom and see my bed and sleep in it.

I _would _have been… had the most important thing in my life been there at my side…

I trudged into the living room a sense of dead energy hanging in the air.

I looked at the door to my bedroom and winced then simply collapsed into the chair in front of the empty fireplace.

I wouldn't dare open the door to the bedroom. Not with what's waiting behind that door. Not with the cradle sitting in the corner, waiting for Ben to come home.

Sitting down, I was able to unwrap the bundle that I had received back. The bundle full of things that I had packed up for Ben and I before we left, thinking that we'd get to keep them when we entered.

What was in there should have been enough to make me cry. It should of, but somehow what the workhouse had drilled into my head stayed true, even back in my home.

Next to my coin purse, and the keys to the upstairs apartment was a little blue stuffed bear. Ben's favorite toy. He had slept with it every night before we had left home for the workhouse. I could still see him in my head...cuddling the little thing that almost used to be bigger then him. I had packed it hoping he'd still be able to have it. It hurt dreadfully inside to know that he had spent his last nights without the bear, his comfort… or his Mum.

I curled up in the chair and hugged the bear to my chest. It smelled like him.

Life seemed meaningless that night. It really did. I'm surprised I even had the energy to raise and lower my chest to breath.

Sitting, curled up in my home for the first time in months, I somehow managed to subside the hollow feeling I felt without Ben, and fall into a restless sleep.

**Reviews are love and loved as always. **

**Not over yet! Still a few more chappies!**


	19. CH19 Photos

**Here I am!**

**Back again**

**And with only a few chapters to go O.o**

**Chapter 19-Photos**

**(oh tehe! That all rhymed!)**

I hadn't wanted to get up in the morning. So when the sun shone in and forced my eyes open, I closed them again. But there was little success in falling back asleep.

The room was freezing and I was shivering.

It was early, but there was no possibility of me getting back to sleep. All I could seem to think about was that morning only a few days ago... When I had woken up and everything was ok. I wished I was still there.

I realized then that I was still clutching Ben's little bear to my chest. I wasn't sure what to do with it, so I just set the little thing on the ground next to me.

Soon, the coldness that had blanketed me all night was too much to bare. So I got up and moved around, hoping that would help me warm up a little. Standing up was hard, I was exhausted. The chair I had fallen asleep in was not appropriate for anyone looking to get a significant amount of sleep.

Standing there, freezing to death in the cold parlor, one of the worst possible things happened.

My stomach growled.

That's when real life finally caught up to me. It's time to get business back up as quick as possible-or I'll starve. Or in the least bit somehow end up next to Lucy on the streets.

At least supporting just myself will be easier… not that I'd mind life being a little harder in that area…

I turned around the room, struggling to produce enough body heat to keep warm.

I figured I'd have to sell something to get the money to start up business again.

There must be more of Albert's things to sell.

I shivered over to the old closet where Albert's things were kept and went through his box for the millionth time looking for something worth a penny or two. But this time, something struck me before I got too far.

An old wedding picture of Albert and Me. I held it in my hands and sat down on the cold floor.

Because for whatever reason, I couldn't understand why, but I suddenly… missed…Albert. For the first time in two years I missed my dead husband. I missed his voice, his warmth. I missed the feel of his hand in mine. And for the first time possible ever, I wished he was here.

Alive.

Well.

I wished he was still here to gulp down all the food that we can't afford.

I wished he was still here to make a mess for me to clean up.

To help support me by being a man (which he hardly acted) and getting a real job.

To see Benjamin grow up…

I hit myself mentally, and reminded myself for the thousandth time… Ben's gone.

Even if Albert was here, _Ben's_ simply not here to grow up. The thought made my heart want to stop beating and my head hurt. I could feel tears developing, but my will was too strong to let them out.

I stood up off the floor, struggling to regain my composure and my purpose. Now, I simply wanted to hang this picture up. To remind me of all the good times that Albert and I had… well, could have had, perhaps.

But there didn't seem to be any spot on the wall. Everything in the room, even Albert had agreed, was perfectly balanced with it's pictures and decorations. I remember thinking he would haunt me from the grave for simply hanging the baby picture of Ben above the piano where he had wanted the wall to stay clear.

I looked up above the piano with a smile remembering the night I had hung it up… But the smile faded when I saw the soft features of the young child in the photo.

My boy.

I couldn't help but reach up and retrieve the picture from the wall. I wiped the thin layer of dust off the surface of the glass. The only photo I ever had of Ben, the only one we could ever afford. His small round face, only about eight months, smiling cheerfully at the camera as the picture was being taken. It's so hard, so horrible, to know that I'll never see that beautiful face again.

The tears pushed forward, begging to fall down my cheeks. I rejected them.

_No! No good tears will ever do you. Nowhere they'll ever get you. Not in this life, tears won't help your future in the least bit_.

The soft part of me (Which I sometimes wish would just disappear) argued back.

_What future?_ _The future with no tenets, no business, no money, no food? No Mr. Barker, no Ben, no Albert. No life? Tell me. Really, what future am I holding back tears for? Tell me, cause I see none. _

I felt so lonely. Ben was gone, he won't be back. My son, my love, my boy. Gone and its all my fault!

I felt anger rise in my still chilled body.

_How could I be so foolish to let us go to such a place with disease! I knew it was going to happen! We should of bloody stayed home! We could of gotten by! And even if we couldn't of at least Ben would still be here! _

I clutched Ben's picture in my hands even harder.

_How could I ever let this happen? How bloody foolish could I be to kill my own son!_

The anger finally got to me and I sent the picture in my hands smashing to the ground. I heard the glass in the frame shatter as it hit the wooden flooring and I proceeded to kick the pieces left of the frame across the room.

Then, I collapsed into the nearest chair.

But you want to know the strange part?

I felt better.

I looked down at the picture face down on the floor. I had almost forgotten what was in the frame, now that it wasn't staring at me.

That's when it hit me. That's what I needed to do to heal this. I just needed to forget.

Forget about it.

Forget about Ben.

Forget about the workhouse.

And drill it into my mind, much like how they taught me not to cry.

I nodded as my muscles relaxed in the chair.

It all made sense.

Just forget about it.

I hugged my knees to my chest and widened my eyes in order to stay awake as I repeated out loud over and over again.

"Just forget about it. Just forget about it. Just forget about it. Just forget about it."

"**I think she's got a mother obsession. She thinks that she's Mother Lovett, as it were, that she's Mother Nature and she's got this maternal instinct toward people, a bit toward Sweeney and definitely toward Toby. She's a frustrated mother. ****I made a bit of a thing maybe she was a mother and had lost her child. That might have sent her over the edge,"- Helena Bonham Carter(aka Mrs. Lovett)**

**And that my friends, is a quote that helped me write this story. I love that quote 3**

**Do not fear my loves! Tis not over yet!**


	20. CH20 Forgetting

**Updating again ALREADY!**

**Chapter 20- Forgetting**

But I soon found this hard, forgetting, I mean. For what then do I have to focus my energy on?

_I'll have to come up with a list of things worth remembering._

Things worth my time…

No doubt business is first, money needs to start coming in regular like again.

So…something needs to be done in order for this to happen, yes?

Something needs to be sold in order to get the money…

So that day, I somehow managed to muster up the guts to go in my room. I don't regret it. For sitting in the corner of my room was the answer to all of my problems. The most expensive thing that I had ever bought. That same thing was now going to give me the money to go out and buy my first batch of meat for the pies. Somehow, it didn't hurt to give it up… guess my plan must be working.

I sold the old cradle in my room the next week, hardly remembering what I ever even used it for.

The coming weeks came and went with ease. People stopped into the shop every once in a while. Although, unlike before, now I am always certain that they paid the right amount before leaving my shop, even if they didn't finish their pie.

Times were still hard, but steady. I don't remember providing for myself ever being this effortless. And life was easier to bare without such bad memories.

In fact, that whole almost two years of my life had almost successfully been erased from my memory when that awful man stepped into my pie shop that day

It was in the morning and I was up early, mindlessly pounding at a bit of dough.

I didn't even notice someone was in the shop until their shadow passed over me. I glanced up, eager to see someone in my shop. "Ello?" I asked, partly before I looked up.

As soon as I saw the man standing in the threshold of the door, my excitement faded.

"Oh," I mumbled, "Haven't missed you a bit,"

Ignoring my comment, the judge continued. "It's nice to see you again, Mrs. Lovett. How long has it been?" He asked, trying to make a nice conversation, not that I'd let that happen.

"Not long enough!" I said, pounding the dough hard with the rolling pin and gluing my eyes to the counter.

"Tell me," He spoke, walking closer to me, "How's your boy?"

I cocked my head, but didn't look up from my baking. "Who?" I asked.

"Benjamin. Your boy. Probably about, what now? Two? Curly brown hair. A face like yours,"

I felt a knot rise in my throat, it made me feel sick.

_Why did he have to bring this up?_

I shook my head as casually as I could. "I've never had a boy." I faced my back to him pretending like I was looking for something on the shelf behind and prayed that he would leave the shop and leave me be.

He didn't leave. I heard him chuckle. "You were at the workhouse huh? Yes, I hear young children don't often make it there. What was it? Measles? Scarlet fever? You can try to forget him, Mrs. Lovett, as much as you want. But he'll always be gone."

I spun around and grabbed the rolling pin off of the counter, I then walked directly toward the horrible man still standing at the front of the shop. "You get out!" I commanded him through clenched teeth. "I'll get the law on yah if yah don't get off of me property!"

He smiled at me, his horrid lips curling upward. "Dear madam, I _am_ the law,"

I felt anger rise in me. I walked closer, pointing the rolling pin at him like a deadly weapon. He just stood there calmly, only making me more mad. "You listen here, _Judge Turpin_! If you ever come in here again and if you _ever_ mention Ben around here _ever_ again, I swear, I'll kill you where you stand and then chop you up for meat for my pies. I swear, I will. And all the customers will be so pleased with how well you taste that they'll keep comin' back for more. What then? The world is relieved of you and I finally get the business that I bloody deserve!" I had leaned into his face and practically _had_ hit him over the head with my rolling pin. It took everything in me not to kill him, I mean it.

When I was done with my tangent, he simply snickered. I held my rolling pin up, ready to clonk him over the head. But he stepped back into the door threshold again.

"Well, Mrs. Lovett. Looks like you've gone completely mad! The only thing that really scared me about that was how serious you looked about making me into a pie. These are the things that get you into bedlam."

I took in a deep breath and closed my eyes, resisting the urge to go on with my plan. "LEAVE!" I shouted, slamming the door and hopefully giving him a bloody nose.

I spun around and sunk down in the booth, making sure to close the window and indicate that the shop was closed for the day.

That event might have set me back. But it didn't stop me from forgetting. Even though he has brought Ben back into my life for the brief second, I hardly even remember his little face. Honestly, I was a little saddened by that fact; Perhaps not.

Months went by, perhaps years. I certainly had lost track of time. The judge never visited me again, probably finding interest in some other pretty girl. Good riddance. I hope I never have to see his horrid face again.

Business stayed steady. Although, I never really got to go anywhere fancy. Not that I enjoyed doing anything much but simply reading a book or making small talk with an uncaring customer.

And life went on.

Despite everything…it simply didn't matter.

They were all just forgotten memories now.

* * *

**Oh no you guys! Only one chapter to go!**

**And I'll give you guys a little sneak peak…perhaps Ben's death isn't at all what it seems.**

**The more reviews I get the faster I'll make sure to update!**

**That's right! Get on your knees and BEG!**

**Wow…I'm hyper tonight…**


	21. CH21 Epilogue

**Happy New Year pretty soon!**

**I'm so sad to say this, but this is the last chapter of Forgotten Memories! I hope you all enjoy.**

**Chapter 21-Epilogue**

The assistant of the workhouse marched straight up to a young girl in the children's ward of the workhouse, determination displayed on his pudgy face. Grabbing the girls shoulder he spun her around brusquely. "Stephanie?" He demanded.

The girl was forced to be turned around, her long frizzy brown hair just about whacking the fat man she was answering to in the face. "Yes?" She said breathlessly. Her face made it apparent that she had been crying; her eyes red and puffy, and her cheeks moist. Still, she tried to seem spirited for the man who could so easy beat her without reason.

"One of the boys that you look after in the ward died this morning, correct?" He asked.

Stephanie's eyes looked down, filling with tears again.

"Well?" The man asked, easily bothered.

Stephanie's eyes darted up to meet the mans as she whispered, "Yes. Yes sir," Her eyes slowly fell down again and she struggled to blink back the tears that were developing in them.

The man denied giving any sympathy for the girl and continued with his mission. "What was his name?"

The girls looked up, any tears in her hazel eyes disappearing and turning to confusion. "What?" She mumbled.

The man took in a deep breath, struggling to hold his patience with the girl. "The name!" He demanded, "Of the two boys you cared for, what was the name of the young boy who died?"

"Oh. Yes sir." Stephanie looked down, biting her lip. Her eyes showed uncertainty "I don't know," She admitted.

The fat man took in an even deeper breath, holding back his anger. "What do you mean you don't know the name?" He said through clenched teeth.

Stephanie cautiously took a step back. "Usually I don't," She said in her defense. "Usually the children that I care for are too young to speak much. That particular boy never told me. And neither did the other one."

The man struggled to suck back his anger. "So you are to tell me that of the two young boys you cared for you can't tell me which one is the one who died,"

Stephanie tried not to be afraid of the short man who seemed to be growing larger with anger right in front of her eyes. "Not by name," She said

"What about any other characteristics?" The man yelled at her.

"Other differences between them?" Stephanie said. She looked to the ground again, trying to stay calm by not looking at the fat man who was slowly turning an angry red. "Well, they were both around one and a half, perhaps two. Both had curly brown hair, brown eyes," Stephanie paused for a second, remembering something that made her smile. "Oh, one of the boys would never let me carry him, all he did was clutch onto my hand and suck his thumb. He never showed much affection for anyone," Her smile faded as she recollected something else and started to think out loud, "But you know what? Even lately both of them have been letting me pick them up. Huh. Well that doesn't really help you, now does it?"

Stephanie hadn't seen the patience burn out in the fat assistant, all she saw was a hand, and only moments before it struck her sharply across her cheek.

"Great useless thing," The fat man hissed before marching out of the room.

* * *

The fat man hustled down the hall to tell the news he had received to the headmaster of the workhouse who had yet to even hear the reports about the young boy's death.

He burst through the door, almost scaring his boss who was sitting at his desk in the main office of the workhouse.

"Sir?" The fat man asked as the men looked at each other. "Scarlet fever got another one of our boys this morning." The headmaster nodded as if it was nothing at all.

"Inform the family, if he has any," He said. Then waved for the chubby assistant to leave. Instead, he sat down in the chair before the headmasters desk.

"That's just it sir. I don't know who the boy's family is, or if the boy even has family. There were two boys in our ward, both with brown hair, brown eyes, and around a year and a half years old." The headmaster rolled his eyes as if it was a waste of his time.

"Are you telling me that there is no one who knows which one of the boys died and which one is still alive?" He sighed. The man nodded his round head. "Ask another child in the ward! There had to be someone watching over the little nuisance" The headmaster commanded the obvious, becoming agitated.

"I did sir. I asked the young girl who cared for him. The girl says she knows not the name of any of the kids she cares for. Says most are too young to tell her." The assistant argued.

The headmaster sighed incredibly loud and rubbed his temples as if the dilemma was giving him a migraine. "Then guess! For heaven sakes! Guess which boy it is!"

The fat man frowned. "Guess?" He whispered, becoming shyer around his boss and not the usual man who will beat a person with no reason to do so.

"Yes! It's as simple as that you dimwit! Now out of my office!" The skinny headmaster commanded as he got up and escorted his assistant out, slamming the door behind him.

The pudgy man nodded. It's come down to it. This is what he'll have to do, guess which boy is dead and which is alive. He unfolded a small sheet of paper that he had in his pocket with both of the boys simple information on it. Not looking at the names, he went straight to the information, deciding to base his decision off of that.

One boy had a young mother in the women's ward, the other was an orphan. One had been submitted to the workhouse only months ago, the other had been there since he was born.

The vile man didn't mind if he had to inform someone a loved one was dead (in fact, he rather liked the different looks and reactions their surprised faces held when told the news), so he really didn't care which boy he pronounced to be so. He didn't care if he was wrong either. He couldn't care less (if he were to pick the one with the living mother) if this boys mum went her whole life thinking her son was dead when really it wasn't her boy who had died and he was out there living somewhere. So honestly, if he had to speak to this women about it, so be it.

Then again, he could pick right, where as there would be no harm done.

Everything seemed to work in his favor in the vile man's eyes.

He looked over the information again. Then, in an unprofessional way he closed his eyes, let his finger wiggle above the paper, and land on the information of the boy he would pronounce dead. He then took a look at the names of the boys he was to choose off of to see which information he had picked matched which name.

The names of the two boys were written at the top of their lists.

Benjamin Lovett and Tobias Ragg

* * *

**Please review =)**

**So here are my future plans-**

**First of all, I have a deleted chapter for this story that I will be posting…Idk, sometime by the end of next year. XD**

**Second, I started a sequel to this story called _His Eyes_ that takes place during the movie. I'll probably be posting that soon, depending if I decide to write more of that first**

**or**

**The new story I've been working on that I'm very excited about! It's called _Mr. Todd, Do You Believe in Ghosts?_ And it's the Sweeney Todd ghost story that I've been wanting to write ever since I saw the movie almost a year ago =)**

**Thank you to everyone that encouraged me throughout the writing of this story! Let's see if I can get even remotely close to naming all of you!**

**Thanks to**

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**-obsessivelyfanaticgw09**


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